Saturday, August 22, 2009

It's like trying to herd cats...

DT is right. I can’t change right now because I don’t have any energy to focus on changing. This is right, her words from Wednesday, “…engaging in ultra harsh self denigration. I realize right now it may feel like there are some pros to this....”
I am standing at the bottom of a deep trench. It is my trench because I dug this dark & dingy trough that I spend each night in. And I cannot focus on change right now because it takes every scrap of energy residing inside of me just to stay alive. And I am working so hard to shove the dirtiness and shame deep down inside of my blackened soul. DT is right (she usually is, even though angry girl has a hard time accepting what DT says as the truth…eventually it sinks in…when logical/rational Grace comes around and has a chance to absorb it.

After everything I’ve supposedly “survived” – its pisses me off that this part, this “healing & acceptance” of myself is by far the hardest part, by far. (I did NOT say *forgiveness* - that will never, ever happen – and DT supports my decision on this). Having my step-father’s dick shoved down my throat when I was 5 years old is not nearly as unbearable or traumatizing as reliving it is now. It scared me then, confused me, and hurt me…I didn’t like it. it hurt…but I didn’t comprehend what he was doing, I had no idea what I was losing…my innocence, my trust, all of the things that affect me now. I was a confused little girl who always wondered if this was normal behavior, if it happened in all families. I was an anxious teenager, struggling to be perfect, a chameleon, changing to fit the mold of what everyone else wanted from me.

Now I’m a grown woman who knows about the dangers of abusing alcohol and prescription anti-anxiety medications, I know the risks of the nightly rituals of SI and SIB that we engage in and yet I cannot stop myself from continuing to use these “maladaptive” methods to cope (and I use that term loosely). I want so badly to erase it all. I know my nightly behavior is harmful but I am not able to change that right now, I do not have the energy, every bit of it goes into just getting through the day…minute by minute.

I tried so hard this past week – to let it all go, to push it down and act like a normal human being, but since Thursday night I have felt beaten down, crushed by the feelings and thoughts and memories that are running rampantly through my mind like a drove of cattle, crushing everything in their path. I cannot control them…as DT says, it’s like trying to herd cats. I am not armed to face the girl I am supposed to accept. And this stupid worthless body is aching and it won’t stop. I have my blue blanket…but I desperately want DT’s heart rock right now. And I still don’t have the right freaking chair!

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