Monday, September 28, 2009

Something is not right...I am not okay

I don't know exactly what that means. But something is not right.
I can feel it but I can pinpoint exactly what that means.
My head is spinning and my body hurts.
The sharpness of the pain in my pelvis today made me suck in my breath.
I threw up after therapy today.

My body is persistent in it's messages and I try to push it away, but it will not stop.

I find myself just rocking back and forth...sobbing....
"I don't want to do it...Please don't make me..."

I need to curl up into a little ball and hide somewhere.

I don't know what any of this means right now.
But something is not right.
I am not okay.


  1. I didn't feel right today, either. I had that feeling I get before a flashback hits. I think the body pains can be like flashbacks, too. That's what I ended up getting slammed with.

  2. If you feel like hiding, maybe you sort of can. Is there any place in your house that might you you feel like you are hidden away and safer?

  3. Sweetheart, I have been there. It is the hardest place to be. You are doing hard work, facing what your body is telling you it is time to face.

    But I promise, it will be over, one day. There is hope on the other side of the pain. You are headed in the right direction.


  4. Yeah,the body stuff troubles me all the time. I have spent so many years ingnoring my body - pretending it doesn't even exist - it's rare that I feel connected to this body in any way. And when *that* pain starts, it just brings me back to "then" - so when I can no longer ignore it I want to destroy it.

    Thanks, JBR, for the hugs

    Shen, can you send me the compass or the roadmap...I believe your words, but there are days it doens't feel that I know you realize that too -