Psycho-Angry girl took post early last night. She is explosive with rage and it is fierce and uncontrolled. She physically and verbally abuses the little girl inside of me, and although she is not a threat to anyone but us, she does verbally abuse DT, via email. Sometimes a few weeks will go by without her taking over, sometimes only a few days, but she has been present since Thursday, relentlessly torturing the rest of us. She wants to die. She cannot handle the pain, the past is overwhelming and she knows of no other way out. She strongly believes that DT manipulated the 5 year old into trusting her, and then once she declared victory of getting the untrustable to trust, she decided she could just take off and not be there for her. And angry girl HATES DT for that! Because after all these years of independence and never relying on anyone to help or “be there”, now the baby who cries for DT’s help at night, drives us fucking crazy!
Not only did psycho angry girl cut me last night, she sent some emails to DT. Emails that were discovered today when I checked my sent file. Of course, being on vacation, DT won’t read them. PAG wants to cut the whiny baby out of my body. She hates her. She wants DT to go away. She hates her too.
Not only did psycho angry girl cut me last night, she sent some emails to DT. Emails that were discovered today when I checked my sent file. Of course, being on vacation, DT won’t read them. PAG wants to cut the whiny baby out of my body. She hates her. She wants DT to go away. She hates her too.
Below is an excerpt from the emails sent to DT. It’s PAG’s anger that scares me. She will kill me- it’s only a matter of time. She won’t stop until it happens. She has no will to live she wants only to escape the endless pain.
Angry Psycho Girl: I am not fearful of death. Fucking welcome it! Hope u enjoyed ur vacation! Thanks for caring and taking my "fear" seriously" (huge amounts of dripping poisonous saarcasm!)Ur so great and I'm so nothing! So I shouldn't be missed! and I guess ur "best" doesn't include calling me bk n 24 hrs- does it? For future reference, get a fucking back-up! There will be times when the "crazy" clients can't wait for a week to fucking deal w/a "non-existent" fear!!! Fuck u and ur fucking rose colored glasses! I'm not afraid of fuckingb dyoing! Dying will be a fucking relief!!! Fuck that whore! Fuck that filthy whore! She fucking Ruined all of it! Fucking hate u! I fucking hate u and ur fucking "stay present" u fucking stay present in my body every fucking nite! I fucking told u it was bad! Vbut as usual, u blew me off "its only 3 emails" no big deal" fuck u!!! It may not be a big deal to u, but it was a huge fuckibg deal to me!!! Buit fuck it! Obviously that wasn't impt to u! Becuz I don't matter! Nothing here that can hurt ne right now!?!?U go ahead and believe that - w/ur rose colored glasses on, dt- becuz he will kkill me. And when he does, don't fucking preach "theresz nothing that can hurt u right now, grace" nothing.Ur so fucking wrong about that! And when he does, don't fucking preach "theresz nothing that can hurt u right now, grace" nothing. Ur so fucking wrong about that! In fact, I'm offended tht u even said it! How conridictoruy of ur "ur fear is real to u- I've nvr said it isant" Really? That's not what ur fucking saying now!? I hope when I'm dead u don't preach that shit to someone else. I hope if someone else comes to u and tells u he's going to kill her u fucking think about me and what happened to me- and fucking believe ui! Becuz it IS real right the fuck now!!!! It is fucking real!!! This could not have worked out better! Fucking whore is aware that u don't hear her now- so she won't tell anything! We are done- I can out her out of her misery! Finally!!!
It will never stop. There is no way it will ever stop. I am discouraged and hurting. There is no escape. There are no answers. There is nothing but this endless pain. And she doesn’t care. I tried to tell her, but she doesn’t listen. It’s worse when she’s gone. And she can kiss my ass with her “Put it in a safe container” – HELLO!!!! There’s no way to contain it! It’s like trying to put pour rain back into a cloud! Why the hell can’t she see that? There’s no way to ‘check’ the pain at the door when I fucking leave her office! It’s fucking Hotel California! There is no escape! I cannot leave.
Sometimes I think therapists are too naive to understand why 'containers' are a load of garbge. Why is PAG angry at the girl instead of at the man whore?
ReplyDelete...because she remembers...and she makes us relive it night after night...in body, in sight, in fear, in dreams.
ReplyDeleteIt never stops.
She has to stop it
So then it is PAG's job to stop it? She's trying to help?
ReplyDeletepsycho angry girl? no - she is trying to kill her, the 5 year old. She hates her neediness, her whiny cry-baby shit, and her memories...
ReplyDeleteThere's no cohesiveness.
I wonder if there is something, whether provided by PAG or someone else, that could help the girl and then she will have less distress? Maybe the girl wants something. It seems that she wouldn't cry unless there was something she wanted from someone. This is what I am trying to figure out right now for my very similar situation. The only thing I have come up with so far is...
ReplyDelete1. She wants me to know what happened to her.
2. She wants some kind of comfort or for someone to somehow make it stop.
Of course, I don't have all the answers or I would be better off myself. But maybe you have some ideas about what things the girl wants in your situation. The only thing that helps mine much is to try to convince her that this is not the grandparents' house, and not the parents' house. I tell her that the father is dead, the grandparents are very old and far away, and we have left the mother. Sometimes I have to lock myself in the bedroom and wrap up in a quilt, or even get in the closet (that's where she used to hide). Then I repeat to her over and over the date, including the year, and I repeat the town and state where we live. It takes a long time and it doesn't always help, but that's all I've got for now (unless I resort to some beer and a lighter).
I hate this, too, Grace. We deserve better. We weren't the ones who did this to ourselves.
yeah...you're right, we do....
ReplyDeleteI can relate to your 'beer/lighter' reach...
I have the same attachment to wine/vodka/razor...
I know she wants someone to listen, to understand, but she can't talk to DT about it. No one will let her. And she won't shut up with her cries for DT. The problem she has is that for 2 years, DT would 'console' her nightly (and I am NOT exaggerating). Sometimes email @ 1am so she felt safe.
But then DT started a "new relationship" and no longer had time for her - and then the little girl felt abandoned all over again. And now PAG is so pissed off because she trusted DT, she knew better! And DT abandoned her for a MAN! Talk about fucking retraumatizing!
But if she wouldn't have trusted DT, or grown dependent on DT, then PAG wouldn't be so mad at her!
(that sounds so fucked up! - but it's my reality)
Mine cries for the therapist, too. She thinks he's her mother. I'm not sure she even gets that he's a guy. And I can certainly understand how your girl feels abandoned by the therapist after she changed the rules like that. And I totally get PAG being pissed. Rambo is pissed, too. That's why he acts like a bit of an ass sometimes to the therapist. My therapist did a similar thing as yours. He kept appointments with me on the phone while he was on a vacation once because I was going through a crisis. Unfortunately, he wasn't able to be a good therapist then because he was stressed out and really needed that vacation. I had no idea - I only knew that I had been hijacked by a twenty-four year old rape and was losing my marbles. The whole appointment went wrong and it was very traumatizing. He said some things that were very contrary to what I believed to be his attitude about therapy. It changed things for the worse. I started living in fear of remembering lest he hate us, just like the real mother did. Rambo thinks the same as PAG. If we wouldn't have trusted and depended on someone, then it couldn't have happened. Rambo is nearly phobic at the prospect of letting the therapist help when the memories come around. Sometimes it leaves me in a real bind.
ReplyDeleteYou know what I really think? I think that we (the traumatized untrusting) enter into this "therapeutic relationship" and it's all 'chit-chat' because we don't trust enough to talk. After a year of therapy w/DT, she finally asked me, "Don't you get tired of being so fake?" - like she was bored. Then she went way the fuck overboard to get us to trust her...like emailing and asking if we were okay. If we made the slightest notion of "feeling unastable" she would be quick to offer an appointment. One time she actually met me at her office in 20 minutes of a call! Hell would fucking freeze over before that would happen now!
ReplyDeleteIt's almost like this fucking adreneline rush of "I have to help her...." kicked in - and then she would "offer" and "be there" and suddenly...after 2 years, ah...trust was won. And by that point, DT was in over her head and the child demanded too much time and attention, and she was in a new relationship (which, she told me, he had no internet service at his house - so she couldn't be avail - whatever!) - I wanted to say, "I'm sorry, is that your brain talking, or another part of your anatomy?" - and then suddenly she's too busy in her new 'relationship' but the 5 year old can't "grasp" that. All she sees is that DT abandoned her for a man...when she needed her. So now PAG can't let it go - because she has to listen to the fucked up kid whine and cry - when DT used to comfort her. And it's overwhelming! She didn't fucking teach me to do it - she did it -and then she stopped and I'm left holding the piss bucket trying to deal with the fucking whore who can't figure it out! And I fucking hate her for that!!!
And the same thing happens to me, as you described above, as soon as DT will say something that triggers a memory, something that makes the 5 year old cry - then suddenly, the dissocation starts and as much as the 5 year old wants to talk to DT - she isn't allowed. She can think it, I can hear her, but she can't speak it aloud. Yeah, I get what you're saying when you say it leaves you in a bind.
Because after I leave the office, or late that night, all of the overwhelming shit that wouldn't be dealt with surfaces - and of course DT isn't avaialable - and so PAG kicks in and kicks 5 year olds ass - SHUT UP! NO ONE CARES!
I don't know...I wish I did-
DON'T FUCKING OFFER SOMETHING YOU CAN'T FOLLOW THRU ON! That's what I say!
We aren't fucking "science" projects!
We're fucking people! MANY people in 1 fucking body - we've been fucked enough! WE don't need YOU to fuck us too!
GOD! It makes me so fuxking mad!!!!!
It makes me mad, too. Sometimes it makes me think the whole therapy thing is a giant crock of shit. What I hate most, is that when Rambo gets really pissed - I (he) end(s) up quitting therapy, usually with some very profane and horrible hate mail. Then the child goes ballistic until she gets her 'mother' back. I feel helpless to stop it from happening. I don't lose time, I can't escape the knowledge that I was *there* when the hate mail was written, but it's like this other way of thinking just took over my brain and swept me away. Then the child does the same thing to me when she goes to get her mother back! It makes me feel like a raving lunatic. Sometimes I feel like I just can't take it anymore.
ReplyDeleteOMG! I do the exact same thing!!!! PAG does that too! It got so bad that a few months DT and I made a 'verbal' agreement in session that she will not cancel my appt if PAG does it angrily via email or VM (AT NIGHT) - and if I don't show then I pay. She will only cancel if "I" the rational one calls to do so... since PAG only does it out of anger, and yes, it does make the crying worse for the kid.
ReplyDeleteAnd I wonder the same thing every single night...every night I feel like I can't take another minute.