Friday, September 4, 2009

Can Grace be Saved?

Don’t tell me to “feel the fear” …I’ve FELT the fear…and ”feeling it” and “sitting with it” doesn’t make it GO AWAY!

DT said: “Let me also remind you that the pain and fear that you experience is "real" and I have never suggested otherwise. I have however reinforced that there are often situations that occur where there is actually no "real time" danger or threat and that these perceptions need to be gently challenged and reminded that they are old programmed trauma responses that need reframing or proactive management”

Really? No you’re telling me that you have never suggested my “pain and fear is not (in quotations) "REAL". So, you’re saying it’s “real” to me, you’re telling me that I’m crazy, and you pacify me by telling me the pain and fear I feel is “real” to me.

There’s no “real-time” danger? Really? Is that so? You’re telling me that I’ll get better when I “choose” to get better? And you’ll “honor” this fucked up process and how long it may take? It’s “MY CHOICE”… Is it? The fact that I cut myself, take copious amounts of medication and wash it down with a liter of alcohol and have no idea what happens until I wake up in a pool of blood, or check my email – that’s not “fear”? Yes, perhaps you’re right that evil SF is, in reality, DEAD…so he isn’t really here, with me right now. But truly, the bigger fear is the fact that SHE will take over again, and she will stay in charge, hurting us, until it’s “over”.

So it’s “my choice”, I need to “make a different choice”. WHAT??? I can make a different choice? You think I want to be here? You think I want to see what I see, feel what I feel? You think I want to feel like my body is being ripped apart? You think I want to bleed all over the floor and try to figure out what “excuse” I can give to explain the scars? You think I want this? You think I want to live like this?

You have NO idea what goes on here at night! No idea! So don’t you sit there, with your “pink-tinged” glasses on, and tell me that I just need to make a different “choice” and that my “fear” is not reality based! You have no idea what happens! No idea! So don’t you dare sit there and tell me to make a different “choice”!! There is NO OTHER choice!

There is DANGER! In the form of the one within me who will continue to hurt the rest of us. I didn’t sign a “contract” – DT didn’t make me, I am NOT breaking my “word” because no “word” was given. I am not sleeping or eating…my body feels like someone has ripped my legs out of socket, and my head is throbbing. I’m enrolling in the “terminally fucked hospice program” – I’ll just keep myself “comfortably numb" until it’s all over. “

So let me celebrate your vacation with a bottle of grey goose, newly filled Rxs of ativan and seroquel (thank you, PDOC!), a pair of scissors and a razor. I’ve got your “real-time” danger right here, tonight!

No contract, DT.
No contract!
Put a fucking fork in me, I’m D-O-N-E!
It’s too late for even God to save me!
Grace, is going out of business!


  1. Some of the things therapists say make me wonder how long they've been walking around with their heads up their asses.

  2. The way you write here about feeling the fear not being enough to make it go away is the same thing that happens to me. It's not fair.

    Sometimes I suspect that if I felt truly safe in therapy, that would change. Instead, I sometimes run into problems like him saying something stupid that smacks of 'put that away'. I guess he doesn't get it that I
    have been doing that all of my life and that's how it came to live in a closet where it can jump out and attack me so often. The funny part is, as soon as he says or does anything that makes me feel like he isn't available for me, then I just end up dissociating whatever is going on because it's all so bad that I just can't handle it by myself.

  3. Lynn,
    Yeah, isn't it funny that they are educated in the field and still buy into that flying nun bitch's theory of "distract" mindful...accept what you cannot change.
    Yes, let me distract myself while my father fucks me...hum...that whole distraction thing must work better when you live with the cleavers!

    JBR - thank you....

  4. It's true for me too--that feeling the fear, "sitting with the feelings," doesn't make it go away. I know they don't claim it goes away instantly, but I do think it can stay just as intense even if we feel it, and sometimes it can get worse even. i think I've read some trauma theory about that--how it can grow or escalate each time it's reexperienced.

    And there are some things that are too much to be distracted from.

    I think I'll go write a post about this too.

  5. Bravo- eeabee,
    maybe if enough of "US" tell what works and what doesn't SOMEONE will finally HEAR!