DT says: Along those lines, I can understand that you would question my statement re:looking forward to our sessions each week. I say this in earnest because...blah, blah, blah....blah, blah, blah blah blah
Grace replies: Yeah, you say you "look forward" to my coming to session each week. Really? I wonder if you "look forward" to it like little grace "looked forward" to your emails at night...the ones that made her feel safe.
I wonder if you would feel the same way if I no longer came to session...not in an "I QUIT THERAPY" kind of way - more in a hard to analyze a dead person kind of way...I wonder if you'll feel the way I felt then. When you decided that I no longer mattered because YOUR life “changed”. I doubt it...because little Gracie REALLY DID LOOK FORWARD to your emails at night - and YOU say what you say because that's what you say to ALL YOUR CLIENTS! Just as I was taught NEVER TO TRUST AND THAT I DON'T MATTER! You were taught to make the crazy clients feel "accepted"...weren’t' you? I mean, I doubt you would tell a client, "You know, It may be hard for you to *accept* this, but I really DREAD your coming to my office each week. In fact, you're not really a likable person." GIVE ME A BREAK! I'm NOT a retard! I'm NOT niave! In fact, believe it, or not, I'm pretty fucking smart, for a white trash whore!
Smart enough to know when to walk away...from all of it, not "you". ALL OF IT! ALL OF IT! I choose to walk away - my choice! NOT YOUR RESPONSIBLITY! NOT YOUR CHOICE! MY CHOICE! Just as it's YOUR choice to not fucking care and tell all your fucking clients how much you "look forward" to their sessions. Give me a break! Do you go to all their funerals too? Or will mine be "special" cuz you really "liked" (sincerely) working with me.
Sometimes you just have to cut your losses. What's a human life worth anyway, really? Mine was worth NOTHING! NOTHING! IS worth NOTHING! Not a GD cent!
WHAT DO YOU NEED RIGHT NOW?
HERE: let me lay it out there, so you can "invalidate me" by NOT helping...I NEED YOU TO TALK ME IN FROM THE FUCKING LEDGE TONGIHT! That's what I *NEED*!
Does that matter? Well, I'm guessing that would be a BIG FAT NO!
Just like then, today is no fucking different!
FUCK THAT KID! SHE IS WORTH NOTHING! YOU CAN'T EVEN PAY ANYONE TO FUCKING HELP THAT WHORE!Y
eah...that's what I thought! And DONT give me any of that BULLSHIT OF: It is hard for you to believe I care and not be willing to help you past 10, when at the hospital, when I’m busy…etc, etc, etc…(let me go back and read the fine print to the addendum…)
FUCK THAT DTYOU asked me what I NEEDED! I TOLD YOU!
Ball - YOUR COURT!
And believe me; I don't expect a "return"!
Maybe it's good that you told her. It's so sad that the little one feels the abandonment again now. So similar to the mother leaving her at the mercy of the man whore. It's just not fair.
ReplyDelete{{{{{{{{Grace}}}}}}}}
no...it isn't fair...but the really suck ass sad part of it is that it doesn't matter that it isn't fair.
ReplyDeleteMy mother left me, hated me, didn't care that HER husband fucked me...not fair? Yeah, no one is disputing that...but it doesn't matter, does it. And guess what? DT didn't respond.
But, of course, tomorrow night she'll send this email like, "I know it's hard for you to believe that I don't care becasuse I'm not willing to stretch my limits past 10" - and all I hear is...because I'm fucking my new BF and I don't CARE NOW! I hate her tonight, Lynn! I hate her! And the scariest part is that I'm afraid I will kill myself just out of spite - like the final FUCK YOU DT! YOU DIDN'T HELP ME NOW I'M dead! Those thoughts go through my head all the time.
The fear is that when the dissociation starts - bad shit happens- bad, bad stuff...and who knows what could happen - know what I mean? (I know you do)
It's really bad now becuz, I *agreed* out of "guilt" to go see my grandmother over thanksgiving (she's 95 and I do love her). but I live 1200 miles away and I know I'm going to have a panic attack like I did 2 years ago when I went to see her - but 2 years ago DT was there - now she won't be - and I don't know what will happen. The host body will be there - and I don't feel like I can deal with her 'emotionally'.
"The fear is that when the dissociation starts - bad shit happens- bad, bad stuff...and who knows what could happen - know what I mean? (I know you do)"
ReplyDeleteWhy yes! I DO happen to know what you mean. I used to describe that as 'fear of suicide by fit of despair'. I had to have my husband hide certain dangerous things that could be used to that end. And I understand what you mean about dying to spite someone. I have talked to every single one in here and told them that no matter what - we will LIVE to spite them. The body WILL keep going. They must do it. I know what my mother would say if I offed myself. She would say that I did it because I was crazy. That she had been right all along. She would tell the rest of the family that it was proof that I was crazy and a liar. I can't let her get away with that. Who would celebrate your suicide in this way, Grace? Anyone? Marsha and her team would if they knew about it. It would be because "Grace rejected DBT and was too borderline to be helped". Fuck her and fat assed horse she rode in on, right? Talk to each one inside and make sure they know what the lying other might say about you after you were gone. Tell them. Tell them they must LIVE to truly spite.
I don't envy you the visit to the grandparents. I don't think I would be able to do that. I have flashbacks about their house. It's really bad. I don't think I will ever step foot in that town again.
Yeah...I try to talk to them...it's so hard. I don't WANT to die I KNOW logically I hve so much to lvive more...but dissoication kicks in? And then it's all hands on deck!
ReplyDeleteGOD! I SO don't want to go back there!!! but my SIL emailed me and said, GMa is "crying for you..." so I'm like, what do I do? Out of anyone in my family, I do love my gramma. But that doesn't make it "less" scary. Esp. since my mother is SURE to be there....
THANK YOU!!!! so much for understanding what I'm saying - it's hard - but it does make it a bit, a tiney beit easier knowing that someone else out here *hears* your (Even if you're not paying them 100/hr to listen)....thank you!!!! X 10000!
I have to go to bed now - the seroquel (well, and the wine/ativan- is making it difficult to type.)
You will be "here" tomorrow?
I will hang on right now...becaue you have helped me. NOT the MHPS- but YOU!
Thank you!!!!
((((LYNN)))))
~ Gracie
You helped you, too, Grace. Don't forget that. You didn't have to write about any of this stuff, but you did. You really ARE a survivor. You are going to make it. You'll find a way. I'll pop in tomorrow, too. (And if I ever seem to drop off the face of the 'net for a bit, it's probably because I'm getting tortured too badly communicate properly anymore. It always ends, but it sucks ass real bad when it's happening.)
ReplyDelete