Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Too many secrets...follow me, sit with me, touch me, hurt me, torture me...hate me...

I am achy today – seriously, what’s up with the hip pain? All day long….yeah, it’s all in my head. I have an overwhelming need to just escape. And I understand the things I do is the biggest contributing factor to my misery.

Oh, I hear that faint voice, “Grace, you just need to make different choices, make a conscious choice to love yourself, not hate yourself.” Sounds so simple, doesn’t it?But see, at night, that voice is drowned out by the booming voice that says, “Grace, you know you want to hurt yourself. It will help you. Calm you. No one needs to know. It is our secret…our secret…our secret…our secret… You want to. You want this. It is what you want. What you need. Our secret. Listen to me. You can trust me. I will take care of you. Our secret. Our secret…”
It hurts. Our secret. It hurts to keep secrets. I don’t want to keep secrets. I don’t like them. Our secret. Too many secrets.

And I thought, if I could just get away from all of them, start over… just go somewhere else – I could make it not true. I could escape and make it disappear. It never happened. But still there are all these secrets. Still it hurts. Still here is no escape. I couldn’t undo it. I can’t undo it. I can’t start over. Too many secrets followed me, sit with me, torture me, hurt me, hate me.

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