Friday, September 11, 2009

I am unraveling...

I have been unable to cope at night the past couple of weeks. Unable to do anything that resembles healthy. I know that my anger and lashing out at DT is because of her vacation. And how she didn't care that she was leaving me in a horrible state of distress. The little girl whines and cries in her absence and then psycho angry girl lashes out at her because she cannot take the crying. Then the unfeeling/super independent one tells DT she needs NO ONE, and we would all be better off if she would just go away! For good!

The torture at night is often unbearable. The little girl cries because it hurts so bad, physically hurts, and it is agonizing and beyond painful. And the terror is real to her and is happening all over again. The apprehension of waiting in the dark, alone and scared...part of her praying he won't come and another part of her wishing he would just hurry up and get it over with so she can go to sleep and escape. Why prolong the inevitable. It's going to happen, so just get it over with! Just do it already!

What does that mean? Does that mean she is bad because she was wishing he would do it?
Does that mean she wanted him to do it?

And now she is crying. We all hear her. She is scared. Get it over with already! Just do it! It's going to happen so just do it now! She won't stop until someone hurts her. Because that's how it has always been. She cannot fall asleep until it's 'over with'. The difference now is that she cries for DT because she thinks DT is safe and DT will help her and DT won't let him hurt her. But DT does not come. Why? She doesn't understand.

So PAG hates DT because for awhile DT was there for the little girl, and the little girl was safe and DT said she wouldn't let anyone hurt her. So why is she hurting now? DT doesn't keep her safe anymore. And she does let him hurt her. After she promised she wouldn't. She promised! She promised and the little girl believed her!

DT told her: You can let yourself feel helpless and vulnerability and I will not hurt you or let others hurt you.

Why did she lie? I don't understand. Maybe it is because DT thinks the little girl is bad too. She wanted him to do it. She wished he would do it.

I try to tell myself it will be okay. I try to rationalize all the different feelings. I try to get all of these girls to work together as a team, rather than the constant fighting and struggling. But I am not currently strong enough.

I am as far from okay as the Earth is from the Sun.


  1. "Why did she lie? I don't understand. Maybe it is because DT thinks the little girl is bad too."

    No, none of it is because of the little one. I'm going to take a guess (and yes, it comes from the 'logical' part of the brain, so I don't know how useful it is). She lied because she overstepped herself. She offered you something that was not sustainable for her. She is the therapist. She should have known better and she failed. This is not your fault. She could have found another way to be there for the little one. It was her job to do that for you. She should have found a sustainable way instead of being unrealistic and then dumping her failure on you and withdrawing herself emotionally in retaliation. It isn't your fault. The pain is real. It hurts. Of course you cried, of course you wanted DT to take away the pain. Of course. Because it hurts so much.

  2. Thank you for being here tonight.
    Earlier today, PAG sent the most horrible email to DT today. HORRIBLE! And now the little girl is crying because she just knows that this is it and DT will go away.
    I couldn't focus today. I absolutely loathe the physical pain that happens now but feels like then...HATE IT!
    I still don't understand what happened. I did reach out to DT last night, out of fear, but she never responded, OF COURSE!!! Since it wasn't a "session" or Mon, Wed or Fri...the stringent boundaries hurt the 5 year old so much!!! She was looking at an email DT sent to comfort her, and she sent it at 130am. Now she won't respond on any nite but mon wed and fri. that's all.
    I am afraid PAG will kill us out of 'spite' - her rage is just that strong. I swear it is...

  3. "PAG sent the most horrible email to DT today. HORRIBLE! And now the little girl is crying because she just knows that this is it and DT will go away."

    Oh, Grace. The same thing happens with me. It's so hard. You know, I wish we were neighbors.

  4. {{{{{{Grace}}}}}}

    You know what I've been doing? I've been searching my mind for things and symbols that might make me feel safer. I need to come up with something that is unrelated to my therapist and then hold on to it. Do you have anything like that for yourself? Maybe you have something unrelated to DT so it doesn't trigger that relationship stress?

  5. That is a good idea. I will think.

    JBR, I'm sorry I'm so mean.