Saturday, September 5, 2009

"Grace, how was the SI while I was gone?"

I need you to NOT ask that question, Ms. Obvious. I realize I’m not always the best communicator with respect to “our therapeutic relationship”, but if memory serves me correctly (and we both know that I don’t forget ANYTHING), I told you, in a very direct way, that I was NOT in a good place, that I was NOT going to be able to ‘cope’ well, so don’t waste my time by asking questions that have ‘obvious’ answers. Even if you ask the question, I won’t answer you, I’ll throw the question in the bucket labeled “speak no evil” and wait for the next one.

Let me see if I can ‘analyze’ your reaction to the SI question:
“Grace, I think you need to go back to DBT.” *SHUT UP & BEHAVE*
“Grace, I think you need to go see PDOC. Clearly, if you’re displaying behavior I find disturbing, then I question the ‘level’ of your medication, or if they are even the right ones.” *SHUT UP or DRUG UP*

Or perhaps you will ‘exercise your right’ to slap my ass in the hospital…which, you yourself has said, is the “ultimate in disempowerment.” Hum, interesting choice of words. Don’t you think I’ve already experienced the “ultimate in disempowerment”? Yes, I will admit; that would be pretty devastating, probably much worse than DBT. The ‘ultimate in disempowerment’ ~ forced to do something against my will, held down and given mind-numbing tranquilizers so I cannot fight, or express behavior that is ‘unacceptable’ to you? Yeah, DT, that wouldn’t be traumatizing at all. Of course, it would make YOU feel better, under the guise that you’re doing it to *keep me alive*.

But let me remind you that you also said: “It must also be difficult to put together the idea that I care, but yet not be willing to stretch my limits after 10, let alone be unable to keep you safe when you are grappling with the thoughts of ending your life.”

Yeah, that seems fair…you get to talk out of both sides of your mouth and I get fucked…


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