I'M MAD AS HELL
&
I WANT ANSWERS!
I WANT ANSWERS!
Its not fair! It isn't fair that I didn't get a mother and I instead get delivered to an abusing bitch who told me she hated me and let her husband fuck me for years! And I'm pisssed about it and it's not fair!
And DT was so nice to me on Sunday night...and she spoke so calm and so caring and she called the 5 year old sweetie - and the little girl desperately wanted DT to hold her and tuck her in and kiss her good night and wake up the next morning with DT still there.
She wants DT to be her mother - to be something she never had. But it will never be. I never had a mother. I'll never have a mother. And that sucks!
And DT was so nice to me on Sunday night...and she spoke so calm and so caring and she called the 5 year old sweetie - and the little girl desperately wanted DT to hold her and tuck her in and kiss her good night and wake up the next morning with DT still there.
She wants DT to be her mother - to be something she never had. But it will never be. I never had a mother. I'll never have a mother. And that sucks!
And when DT acts all 'motherly' it hurts even more ~ because she isn't the 5 year old's mother, and she isn't going to reparent her...and it SUCKS! And I hate it!
I just wanted a mother to love me and protect me and teach me how to love and trust. Why the hell is that too much to ask???? God? Can you hear me now? Wanna let me in on the secret as to why the child abusing, satanic, fuckers were chosen as MY parents? Just curious! Maybe if I knew the "reason" and what I'm supposed to "learn" from it - it might make it a bit easier to swallow!
Wanna let me in on why that decision was made?
I'd really appreciate it
I'm sure I'm a minority with this line of thought, but I think it was just a bad roll of the dice that got us the parents we had.
ReplyDeleteWell, that sucks! I don't even gamble! I guess I'd better not start...since the whole parent roll was a shitty one....
ReplyDeleteSafe hugs to you. The one who gave birth to me never interfered that her second husband, my stepfather abused me. For years. We are freaking emotional orphans and our way is long and rocky. I remember when my female therapist(I fought her for month however it was suggested I work with a femlae therapist, quite obviously why, right)asked WHO could replace the attention-appreciation-affection of a mother could give to me as my mother didnt. The silence which followed broke my heart again and again. By now I have accepted that this love is lost forever, but I did gain the ability to deal with women, to have female friends or comment on your blog. Thanks to my female therapist. NO it isnt fair however no one will replace it and the sooner I accepted the better my situation got for myself. Keeping you in my thoughts. Hugs across the pond
ReplyDeleteThanks Paula..."We are freaking emotional orphans and our way is long and rocky." This describes how I feel perfectily.
ReplyDeleteI guess at this point, I don't understand how you can "grieve" something you never had.
Hopefully someday I will...
~ Grace