Saturday, September 5, 2009

I feel the smallest of small....

I'm giving up.

I hate the constant body aches! The headache in my left temple radiates down the back of my neck. It never goes away, not even with medication. It's this dull ache that is irritating and nauseating. My hips joints make it difficult to walk or sit. I feel like my entire pelvis is is bruised and aching.

I feel overwhelmed tonight. I can't leave my house because of the constant aches and nausea. The voice beckons me to grab my scissors and make it stop. That voice will not stop until he gets his way.

It's too much now. All of it. The voices, the pain, the memories, the flashbacks. I have never said this out loud before, but it's almost enough for me to check myself into the hospital. And if it weren't for my own fears of lack of control and inability to trust, I may be there right now.

I feel hopeless and unheard now. I tried so hard to communicate this before she left. I can't make it stop, but she doesn't hear me. I'm not emailing DT now, certain that she isn't checking email and even if she were, she doesn't hear me, or take me seriously. So, instead, I write into cyberspace, hoping someone will hear me and tell me they've been here before, over and over again, and it get's better. God! I don't know what I need, or even what to ask.

I'm not even sure it matters anyway...not anymore.

I feel the smallest of small right now. I don't know how I even got to be an adult.

4 comments:

  1. I hear you. And I have been where you are. I know how much it hurts and how scary and despairing it is.

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  2. ((((Gracie))))
    Check out my blog on SI dear one.

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  3. Hi Grace,
    I am so glad you are reaching out. We do hear you. God does hear you. You are not alone.
    I don't know exactly how you feel, but I know pain and feelings of shame and rejection. I remember times of wanting to give up when I would cry on the bathroom floor all alone.

    ((((Gracie)))

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  4. Thank you Lynn, I know you have been there. And I know you identify with the fear and the pain. Thank you for hearing me...

    JBR, I read and still try to absorb...

    Tammy,
    Yeah...some nights the cold bathroom tile is my closest friend.

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