Sunday, September 6, 2009

Grace's list of *Distraction* Tools (what a joke)!

Before her departure, DT writes out a “note” containing “directives” of things I need to do when she’s on vacation. I don’t have the list now, but when she wrote it out on handed it to me, I wanted to ROLL MY EYES right there in her office! But I withheld this reaction until after my departure.

I can’t remember everything on the list, but I do recall a couple of the “orders”...

1. Go to bed at a “decent” time.
She first wrote 10pm, but I told her that is completely unrealistic! So I guess that means I get to set the time.
See, the problem with that directive is that I cannot control when I go to bed. I say I cannot control it because I’m not sure which is worse: lying in bed for hours with the overwhelming body aches and memories running through my head, or staying up, drinking, dissociating, SIing, sitting on the floor rocking and sobbing uncontrollably until my body finally succumbs to some sort of unconsciousness.

2. Get out of the house and do something to occupy your time.
(AKA, yes, you got it, DISTRACTION)
First of all, my problem is AT NIGHT, DT, not during the daylight, so I can distract myself all day long, and it will still kick my ass at night!
AND~ clearly you don’t get that there are so many days when I am so weighted down with depression that I am immobilized and can scarcely move at all! And on these days, I can barely get drink a sip of water, or walk to the bathroom.

I can’t remember what else was on the stupid list…something about watering the plants, hello – we have a sprinkler system…and the rest I’m drawing a blank on…

Here's "Grace's List" DT. This is a more realistic list for me, unlike your list. Of course, I realize you can't SEE or HEAR that - and I fucking wish I could stick all this SHIT in a pink-fucking-polka-dot box, and tie it up with a silk RIBBON...but, alas, it doesn't really work that way, DT.

At least it doesn't work that way for me....


  1. I completely understand what you wrote in both #1 and #2. Same here. Especially the part about not controlling what time I go to bed. And yes, distraction... it always bites me in the ass as soon as I get too tired to keep distracting myself.

  2. can't run forever! But the MHPs don't get that - OBVIOUSLY!
    I think that's because they drank the kool-aid offered by that flying nun- linehan!
    RIght...don't ask US what we think we need! Isn't that what they say in AA (not that I've been but I have been to AL-ANON & ACOA) - people drink to "avoid" their problems - and then, guess what, sober up, and they're still there, sitting right the fuck in your living room! Same shit happens with distraction. I can trim roses allday long -but when I sit down - the shit from my past just snuggles up to me, uninvited!
    And, at some point, you have to sit down.