Sunday, September 20, 2009

I have a SERIOUS attachment disorder!!!

My Dearest Therapist:
As I know you are already aware since you’re the head-doc (Just felt the need to throw it out there so you know that I am also “aware”) I have a serious attachment disorder and I’m still mad as hell at you for leaving me when you went on vacation and you didn’t even care!!! I guess being left in an apartment for a few days as a baby, while my parents went on a drinking binge doesn’t really bode well for “healthy attachment”. When you go away, then come back, then go away again so quickly, then I begin to feel insecure and instead of realizing that you have not abandoned me in nearly 4 years, PAG brings your changes to the forefront of our mind…and I become angry and resentful because I need you and you aren’t here. And to further complicate the situation, a couple of days before your return, I’m as excited as a child on Christmas morning (a normal child)…and then when I see you for the first time, after your return, I’m angry and distant with you.

So I act out all the old feelings of abandonment by my mother…you don’t care…you don’t want to help me…you hate me… and instead of appropriately directing the anger at the host body I turn it inward and hurt and hate myself because I was never good enough for her, and obviously, says PAG, if your own mother couldn’t love you, you’re clearly unlovable! And frankly, just saying all that makes me feel even more screwed up. Not because it doesn’t make sense but because it feels ridiculous and childish! And perhaps if I were to trade places with you…and I was not the lab rat, but the sane one, watching and analyzing the lab rat, I might see this as attention-grabbing and compelling, but being the lab rat I instead find myself in a widespread panic as this continues to surface time and time again.

And I still cannot seem to tolerate the dramatic shifting between PAG, 5 year old, sad/lonely, need no one…I can find no synthesis, no cohesiveness, there is nothing but obstinate arguing and hatred. And I can’t seem to bang the gavel and call them all to order… This leaves me in a quandary because I fear that PAG will kill 5 year old (and thereby the rest of us) and sad/lonely will become so depressed we’ll never again leave the house, and the one who needs no one will find nothing to live for and end up…well, you know… And that makes me feel too attached to you so PAG panics and wants out….enter shitty emails and irrational cancelling of appointments to both punish myself and prohibit myself from GOD FORBID continuing to feel any sort of attachment to you.

So what do we do about that? And if you say ANYTHING resembling DBT in any response to this – in or out of session – I will seriously construct an intelligent and heartfelt letter to the flying nun (on pink paper with hearts on it) – letting her know what a HUGE lesbian crush you have on her and sign your name to it, spray it with Ralph Lauren ‘Romance’ perfume and seal it with a kiss – red lipstick and all. Perhaps that may sound dramatic and childish – but stop and consider the source!)

And to add to the messed up 'abandonment' issues, the past several days, my body has been expressing all this pain, and I try to suppress it, to dissociate and push it away…as though it isn’t really me….but it isn’t working anymore. Much like the ‘pushing away’ of the memories and the past as I did for so many years, it is here, demanding to be felt! But I don’t want to feel it- I don’t want to remember any of it. Buy my body and I – we’re now in this tug of war, and suddenly my body has become “Mission Impossible” spilling over with pain and aches and then memories connect to the pain and suddenly I’m in the middle of a full-fledged flashback hell and I can do everything in my “pink little self-soothing box” but none of it will work. And I hear you saying, you need to be kind to your body, find a way to live in your body – but right now that is not possible…because my body represents something bad and dirty and I cannot be connected to that right now. My body belonged to him, and I still associate it with him – we are not one.
And at night, when this happens, I am freaked out and you aren’t there to help me through it and I can’t seem to do it alone, and then I want to hurt myself even more – up, to, and including termination. This is not about “SUICIDE” but rather making the pain STOP! (And, again, at this point, enter attachment disorder running unbridled inside that kid in my head!)

And, that, DT, is the LONG version of telling you that I do not really want to cancel my appointment for Monday. However, I cannot, at this point, commit to staying ‘sane’ tonight – so I don’t know if there will be further emails or voicemails quitting the whole process. However, I am about 50% sure that if I am able to drag my ass out of the house tomorrow I will show up unshowered (which I recognize is not a word – but I didn’t want to say ‘dirty’ because I don’t want to be ‘dirty’) and possibly in jammies, for my appointment.

And thank you, DT, for the hug over the phone tonight, and the reassurance that you won’t leave me…5 year old heard you….and she cried but not in a sad way. I appreciate your telling us that we are strong and that we will survive this because we have survived both…I really wish I had that recorded on DT-Bear’s heart so I could listen to it over and over again when I am afraid.

I will see you tomorrow…

Love, The Childish, attachment disordered, angry/sad, psycho, dissociative patient of yours….


  1. Same here. I totally get it. And I love that you threatened to reveal the huge lesbian crush. LOVE IT. Totally, totally love it. (YMCA)

    (And I'm not sure what my deal is - blogger's block or something. Maybe I'll fix it soon. You inspire me to stop locking myself in a box where I then sit my tired ass right on top of the lid.)

    I've been having an low-grade attachment disturbance myself. It's... disturbing.

  2. ((((Grace))))
    Continue to sit here with you and listening to you anguish. Keeping you in my prayers, as always!!

  3. When my therapist is gone it is all I can do to remember I am an adult and she has not really abandoned me.
    I understand all you speak of here and love the humor you throw in to mask the pain.

    wishing you peace and hope

  4. EH - I totally teased her about it today...I told her that she would be an awesome catch for the one of those 'trophy wives'. She thought it was funny too.

    JBR - glad to find her here're probably one of the most 'stable/consistent' people in my life right now :-)

    Shen- I wish I could always remember and find that adult...someday... sometimes humor is the only thing that gets me though...
    thank you for the well wishes....

  5. Well I can so relate to you once again. Maybe not as the 5 y.o. but just what you are going through. I have a way about some things that I feel like I need no one. B/c that was the way it always was grwoing up. Yet I do need ppl in many ways and dont want to be left sitting alone and empty. Your posts make me laugh not at you but with you. Hang in there. Im here too.
    ((((Safe hugs)))) ~ SapphireDreams

  6. Sapphire, Thank you. I'm glad to make you laugh. Sometimes it all feels so serious, doesn't it? And it helps to laugh....
    ((hugs back to you))
    ~ Grace