Lately, I find myself vacillating between PAG, little 5 year old, sad/lonely girl/humorous sarcastic girl….constantly...it seems that they each have to make an appearance several times a day. It is tormenting just about everyone in my life, including me.
One minute I’m laughing with my son as we are walking to across a walkway that goes over a busy Interstate and the next minute I’m imagining myself jumping over the bridge into the traffic below.
One minute I can be Ms. Social Butterfly…a picture of perfection and humor…and then an hour later I’ve fallen into my favorite chair, wrapped in my blue blanket crying and shaking in pain and fear.
One minute I’m full of energy, pulling weeds, trimming rose bushes…cleaning the kitchen until it sparkles, a couple of hours later…depressed and so exhausted it takes every ounce of energy to breathe.
I cancel my T appointment at noon – and call to say I really don’t want to cancel at 8.
One minute I’m laughing with my son as we are walking to across a walkway that goes over a busy Interstate and the next minute I’m imagining myself jumping over the bridge into the traffic below.
One minute I can be Ms. Social Butterfly…a picture of perfection and humor…and then an hour later I’ve fallen into my favorite chair, wrapped in my blue blanket crying and shaking in pain and fear.
One minute I’m full of energy, pulling weeds, trimming rose bushes…cleaning the kitchen until it sparkles, a couple of hours later…depressed and so exhausted it takes every ounce of energy to breathe.
I cancel my T appointment at noon – and call to say I really don’t want to cancel at 8.
During a ‘bad’ moment this evening - my children were arguing over a card game, and I raise my voice and told them to stop fighting or they would both go to their rooms and no TV ~ and then DS says something funny that happened earlier today, and suddenly the 3 of us are laughing and singing “Ding-Dong-the witch is dead”….
During the last exchange listed above, DH was in another room on the phone, and when he hung up and came out of the den…he asked me (in a humorous way): “Is this going to be a “United States of Tara” night?” Referencing the show, United States of Tara on Showtime about a woman with DID.Of course…one minute I was offended and angry…10 seconds later I found it funny. 
Being in the “okay” Grace personality at this moment, I am thankful for my family, friends, DT and ‘blog friends’ for hanging in there with me during these “United States of Grace” times… It isn’t easy to be supportive to someone who can be so crazy…lucky for me! Just keep trying...every day...just keep trying.
Being in the “okay” Grace personality at this moment, I am thankful for my family, friends, DT and ‘blog friends’ for hanging in there with me during these “United States of Grace” times… It isn’t easy to be supportive to someone who can be so crazy…lucky for me! Just keep trying...every day...just keep trying.
I will be PERFECT, or locked away in a mental institution for good….I’m hoping for “acceptance – and self-like”.
Grace,
ReplyDeleteUm, errr, excuse me? If you are crazy, then I am crazy. Mr.S reminds me at least twice a month that I am not crazy - just traumatized and sometimes confused, but not crazy. So, you cannot be crazy, either. We are different, unique, and, well other good things.
I'm really sorry that you have had some bad days and you are very lucky to have an understanding husband. And you aren't crazy, really. You are a multiple trying to fit into a single world. Think how funny they would all be trying to fit into a world of multiple!
:D
"other good things" Thank you, Ivory...I definately needed that tonight.
ReplyDeleteYes, as much as I try to get DT to tell me I'm crazy she assures me I'm not...and that of course leads me to bellieve SHE'S crazy (LOL!)
Yes, DH is a good guy...thankfully, he's very tolerant and patient...and has a fabulous sense of humor...which is wht you need to deal with me! For sure!
Yeah, wouldn't it be interesting to see them in 'our' reality.
I did TT DT tonight - and it really did help. I'm not even mad anymore...well, as I told her - that could change in 10 minutes....but for right now, in this "present moment" I am "okay".
Thanks for your support!
Grace
The states being united is a good thing, really. It's the civil war type stuff that I dread. Ugh. I had a recent incident of that where the fights continued in my head even while I was sleeping. I tried to ignore it because I was tired.
ReplyDelete(Ha ha! The word verification that popped up was 'flatent', very close to flatulent, which I could become if I don't back away from the beer. I just had to come back in for an edit to add that. Because I have the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy, of course!)