Monday, September 7, 2009

She did it then ~ I can damn well do it now!

I have this image in my head today. The image of a little girl struggling with all her might, playing tug of war with the demons who exist in her present. The little girl in this image was me, is me. And if I had the will and the stamina to beat those worthless, insignificant, child-abusing, satanic assholes as a kid…then I can damn well beat them now! So this morning, I summoned my fearless internal combatant and am leaning on her strength today to fight those life-sucking, good for nothing, creatures who continue to have this hold on me, crushing me with the compulsion to abominate and sabotage myself.

I will never erase the past, I cannot undo it, and I will never forgive them, but there will come a day when I will face them without fear, conquer them, and bury them for good. And when that day comes, I will move on and live the life that has been patiently for me I will finally be at peace with myself.

Like the ocean tide, this process is a cyclic rise and fall, my fear ascends and descends. I have days the water of ‘Ocean Grace’ calm and other days it feels like ‘Ocean Grace’ has been taken over by a hurricane. I stumble and fall, I rise and soar…and tomorrow may once again bring a hurricane, but in *this moment* I sit comfortably on level ground…and breathe.

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