Monday, September 7, 2009

Listen to me and pay close attention

I have no fear. Real or imagined. I have no fear. No fear.

You may think you are “close” to us and that we “depend on you”, but I don’t depend on you and I never will. I don’t trust you and I will never trust you. I’m not trying to be offensive, I don't trust anyone. I realize you continue to try to help her, but I don’t need you or anyone else. Shame on her for buying into the trust/dependence time share, she should have damn well known better – but she did it, so now she will have to deal with the consequences and the pain. That is the only way she will ever learn.

I feel no need to comfort her and no desire to hurt her. She has been through enough pain but she made the decision to care and depend on you, to see you as some sort of substitute parental figure, so she will continue to cry, alone, in the dark. It is her pain, it is not my pain.

People who get close to you can kill you: "I’ll kill you if you do that again. Don’t ever try that again. I’ll kill you if you tell." I will never get close to anyone.

I understand that you still don’t see because you have not been through what we have been through. Let me put it like this: Life begins at birth when you take that first breath and ends at death when you take the last one. And between that first and last breath – people hurt each other; they lie, they abuse, and create misery for each other. And they claim this is all part of a “relationship”. That has always struck me as outlandish. Why would one consciously subject oneself to that?

I don’t “long” to be loved, or held. I loathe it. I have no desire for affection. Love is dangerous. Pain always follows love. I’ve always known that. I feel nothing but disparagement for any of it. I detest human touch. There’s no ‘good touch/bad touch’. I do not find care or affection in another person touching me. No one touches me!

I am not angry. I am not sad. I am not afraid. I feel nothing.
There is more than one kind of dead in this world.


  1. This reminds me of something I recently shared with my therapist, only I was meaner about it. Excerpt: "...if you think you are that fucking necessary in here that life will cease without you, then you need to put down the bong. I was taking care of things long before you showed up on the scene, and I'll be doing the same long after."

    So... I see your "better" is similar to mine. I'm not sure therapists have the capacity to understand what we are trying to communicate. I would like to be wrong about that, but I'm not sure I am. I even know one who suffers from conversion disorder. I guess that's her version of rising above it all. I think I'll stick with alternating between the disconnect and being a rabid bitch.

  2. Yes, it seems to be about the same, doesn't it? Hum...I guess my take on this is when you feel unheard or misunderstood you tend to go into "not care" mode - if no one is listening, if no one will help, then I guess there's really not another choice.

    I wouldn't say yours is meaner- just a different take - I can't see DT smoking a bong - with her size 2 health conscious "i live for fitness" ass...

    I could have perhaps said, "take off the running shoes and the rock-climbing gear"...but I prefer the "pink-tinged" glasses - since that was the example she used.

    I haven't sent the above to her...not yet. Still trying to decide if I will. Really, i'm not sure it would matter - she doesn't hear it anyway. I guess it depends who is in charge tonight.
    I'm feeling rather cynical today. That's not a good start.