Monday, September 21, 2009

I don’t know what happened to that girl ~ but when I find her I’m going to embrace her like a long lost friend

I was 18 years old, and a freshman in college, the last time I saw the evil step-father.

My younger brother called me to tell me that “dad was beating mom”. I’m not sure why I went back to the trailer that day… for years I had hoped that the host body and the man whore would kill each other. I think I went because of the fear in my little brother’s voice.

When I walked in he was truly beating her…not an uncommon scene, I had witnessed him beat her for years. I felt no sympathy for either of them – just my baby brother. When the evil SF saw me, he stopped for a minute and from the look on his face it was obvious that he was startled to see me. He walked toward me and for the first time in my life I did not back away from him.

He started calling me the usual names but I felt immune to them. It was as though I was wearing armor that day and his sharp words could not infiltrate through the steel or hurt me in any way. My staring back at him, looking him in the eyes for the first time, fearless, made him even angrier, but still I did not back away. Instead I taunted him with my newfound power, practically instigating him, daring him to strike me now, as he had all those years. We stood there, nearly eye to eye, neither of us speaking – his eyes telling me to back down, to submit to his non-verbal command as I had all those years. I stood so close to him I could feel his breath on my face. And in those few moments I felt invincible. I WANTED him to raise his hand to me so I could have him arrested. I was not afraid.

It was that moment he spoke to me, in his venomous vile voice he said, “Grace, life is a tavern and all you need is a good fuck.”

And that powerful teenage girl did not back down, or turn away from him, and for the first and only time, she struck back, using her own strong voice, looking him straight in the eye, she replied, “You are so right, ESF, all these years that is what I needed, a drink and a fuck.” Her voice stable and without emotion, she continued, “When I grow up, I want to be just like you. I want to beat my spouse and abuse my kids to feel powerful and strong. I want to live off my in-laws and never hold a job. I want to be a bum…a weak, lazy bum. I want to be just like you.”

He said nothing. The host body said nothing. And that girl, the girl who has since disappeared, turned away, motioned for her little brother to follow her, and they walked out the door. She did not turn around but she could imagine them, standing there, jaws open, in bewilderment and surprise.

That girl never went back to that trailer. She never saw the step-father again after that day.

I have since lost touch with that courageous girl. But I know she’s still alive, she is out there somewhere (or should I say, “in here”) and I won’t stop looking for her until I find her again.
And when I find her, and I will find her, I will embrace her like a long lost dear friend, and I will never let her go... she was 18 years old...her name was Grace, and she was so strong. And I miss her so much.

8 comments:

  1. Remembering her is the first step to finding her.

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  2. This is amazing. Thank you for sharing it.

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  3. Dear one, a very touching post! True, you do need to find the little girl inside you. We are all in search of ours. This was poweful Grace, touched me deeply also.

    ((((Gracie))))

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  4. Like you said she's in there--there's plenty of strength in you of all kinds or you wouldn't get through the night, not even one night. I liked hearing you talk this way about part of yourself.

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  5. EH: I remember her...and I know she's in one of these boxes! I'm still looking....

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  6. JBR, thank you...the search goes on...the hills, the valleys - the tornadoes and hurricanes.
    That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger?
    I sure hope that's true, JBR...I sure hope that's true...

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  7. eeabee - DT tells me that too. I do it too, huh? Get through the night? Even tho there are nights it's a toss up. She survives...
    as do you....

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