The sordid talk of “boundaries”
Limits…borders…restrictions…precincts…
I cannot believe I have found myself hung up on this AGAIN! Why does it always come back to this!?! I hate that I cannot let anything go…or I can let go for a minute – and then it all comes crashing back when something that happens that reminds me of the addendum to the DT/Grace contract. Which, BTW, was not an “addendum” that Grace agreed too – it was more of a “LAW” that DT created and enforced (and it could have been a coincidence – but to the 5 year old, it was not! It was a bitch-slap of abandonment in the face) when DT started a “new relationship”. Yeah, for nearly 2 years, she was *here* for Gracie, all “trust me”…”I’ll never abandon you, Grace”…”I’ll be here…” (forgetting to add: until I’m not).
But that all changed on June 29,2008 when DT emailed me to tell me that she had not been ignoring me but had been staying in (nearby town) and where she was staying there was no internet access When I questioned this, she said, “I just want you to know that there are times when I don't have access due to my spending time with someone now and then who does not have internet access at his home. As archaic as this may sound. So, i am sorry about this and so if I don't respond for a day or two, that is why... I always read everything you send, thought I obviously don't reply to everything. I have to set a limit there and I hope that you understand this limit.” (NOW you set a limit, after 2 years have passed and you have successfully won my trust?) And what happens if I say, NO - I don't "understand"...well, let me tell you what happened!
Then when the 5 year old expressed her feelings of abandonment, by rebelling and throwing a temper tantrum, on July 5, 2008, DT said this: “I will remind you that I want us to work together to find ways to help you within some parameters or boundaries that are workable. I have not given up on you, but we have to try to clarify treatment goals and expectations and we must do this in person. I have always known how important the emailing was for you, but you developed some unrealistic expectations that were unfair to you and me and that because of the inherent inconsistencies and disappointments in this communication, it created serious repercussions for our working relationship.”
Grace’s interpretation: Unrealisitc because DT is now screwing someone, who is way more important than little Gracie, so little Gracie is once again tossed to the side for a MAN! Which then, works out to be, “Grace doesn’t matter now.” So then the end of email and the beginning of: DT works to get Grace to “SHUT UP & BEHAVE” – so DT can screw her new boyfriend in peace!
Of course, DT will forever say, “I put these new boundaries in place for Grace’s own good”…yeah, go ahead and think that, DT – whatever helps you sleep at night! (and I'm strictly speaking "thought wise" nothing to do with the fossil you're "spending time with" - as we've est. even though you said what you said above, "I know nothing about DT's personal life")
Just because you lay your head on his pillow at night and put Gracie out of your mind, doesn't mean it's any better HERE! IN OUR HEAD! But you go ahead and think that! Put your "pink-tinged" glasses on and think whatever you want too...
But "your" thoughts are not "my" reality! And just because YOUR life changed, doesn't mean it isn't still HELL here! Worse, really, because now there's no one here at night to talk to her and keep her from taking that final leap over the edge!
Yeah, I get it, not your problem, to keep little Gracie safe at night...but I'm not taking responsibility for her safety either.... so let the chips fall where they may.
Have you told DT all of the things here in explicit detail about how they make you feel? How she changed the rules, how that feels, how it is retraumatizing, how she invalidated you by pressing the DBT issue?
ReplyDeleteHas she offered any alternative and compensating thing since she changed the rules? If not, can you bring it up?
Yes, believe me, in explicit detail, a million times! She has "graciously" agreed to email me on Mon, Wed and Fri now...unless of course she's on vacation - and then it's nothing.
ReplyDeleteAnd, of course, I can call her till 10pm "if you think it would help"...except on nights she's working at the hospital, which is 4 nights a week.
VERY FUCKING DIFFERENT THAN her previous daily communication.
I can move past it for a week, sometimes a month, then it all comes crashing down like a boulder, crushing me and I can't BREATHE!
RE: DBT- a month ago, she said, "Grace, how long are you going to stay angry about DBT". UM....as long as it fucking takes! It was a completely invalidating, retraumatizing experience that cost me over $2K and 16 weeks of my fucking time!
I'm really pissed tonight - because I read a blog post about someone basically saying the same thing - depending and trusting to "Well, this is going to stop now! here are the new guidelines...now that I know you trust me and are too fucked up to walk away."
It's infuriating!
But they don't get it!!!!
I swear I think her "BF" is a MPH too - she hasn't said as much - but that's the EXACT same time all the "changes" occurred! And she has been willing to "nego" since then (hence the 3 emails/week) and I know logically I should be okay with that - but it's how it all played out! That's what keeps coming back...I hate it!
I totally understand about how it keeps coming back when you thought it was dealt with. The same thing happens to me because of what my therapist did that day we kept an appointment while he was on vacation. That was three years ago. I even think it was because of that incident that I flipped out when he suggested DBT. If not for that old incident, I might have just calmy explained why DBT doesn't work for me and said something like, "No thanks. What else you got?" I think the reason it went differently is because DBT is so invalidating, and so then it seemed as if he might be trying to hurt me again the way he did that day. For me it seems to come back because of how very painful it was. He hurt me VERY deeply that day three years ago. He really did. I trusted him so much. And I guess a part of me is on the lookout now, even when I think I'm 'over it'. When the hurt was really bad, I'm not sure logic can fix things (that would be like trying to DBT the problem?).
ReplyDeleteI bet that it was because of that incidence. It's SSSOOOO hard for us to trust anyway! We "LOOK" for ANY sign of abandonment, and THEY KNOW IT! And then they act shocked as hell when they do something that feels devastating to us - like - I would think you could understand that...WHAT? You're telling me you're no longer going to email me/be there for me, at night, because you have a new BF. And you're telling me that KNOWING that my mother, (the host body) left me alone w/the evil (as you call him) "Man whore". And you wonder why that feels so traumatizing to the 5 year old??? HELLO! I'm no shrink and I GET THAT!
ReplyDeleteAnd I know exactly what you mean about your reaction may have been different had something not been shoved down your throat.
I don't understand how they don't get that either! You seriously want me to buy into some 'miracle' program invented by a NUN and "tested" on 400 in-patients - and then stamped with approval by the "mhps" because it is worded in such philosophical bullshit- they're embarrassed to say they don't "get it" so they instead say, "THAT's A MIRACLE CURE!" Give me a break!!!!
What does your T say when you come back to this "issue" (the abandonment, retraumatizing, reliving of the 'invalidation' you received from his uncaring response when he was on vaca 3 years ago?
When I first brought it up (the next appointment after the vacation) he didn't seem to remember much about it and he apologized and said, "Are we okay now?" Then I bet you can guess what happened. That's righ - the whole thing fell right out of my head. I know I mentioned it to a friend once (quickly and with no feelings), but it was largely just gone. Then anytime he said anything that even smacked of 'get over it' (even if it wasn't really that mentality), I completely freaked out and launched off on a verbally abusive and insulting tirade. He was shocked and so was I. It used to make me cry a lot. I had no idea at the time why I did those things (I had not done them previously). Then - one day, a year and a half later - I remembered. The whole incident came back front and center complete with the feelings that I had stuffed and separated. Then I confronted him. We have talked about it a few times since. He doesn't try to stop me and he understands what happened. He answers questions about what was going on for him that day. I really thought it was gone. Now I see that it hurt too bad to ever be really 'gone'. I'm not sure what that means, but I do know that my past contributes to this, too. A past therapist once tried to have me hospitalized for crying too much (he had no clue that I would be a stunningly normal and totally different person when I showed up at the hospital only to be sent home and leave him looking like an unprofessional idiot), my mother is a MHP who always hated me and told me that everything was only in my imagination. She once told me that I should be ashamed for asking her about things my father did to me, she also said that all girls have fantasies about having sex with their fathers. "It's just your fantasy," she said. She has always needed me to stash things. She used to threaten me with the hospital, too. She really hurt me. I guess I thought my therapist wouldn't ever hurt me. I thought I finally found someone who wouldn't.
ReplyDeleteYeah...I get that. The 5 year old cries all the time - as soon as night falls! It is SOOO irritating!!!! I STG I have emails from DT from 1am where she would help the little girl. EXAMPLE: "Ahhh. you need me to stay up with you to help you sleep? You needed this when you were a little girl adn there was no one. You are safe in your bed now. What can you and I do to help you move toward sleep. Despite your dreaming, you are safe in you rbed. there is no one who will hurt you. There is no real need to fear your safety while sleeping." - and then "Fuck it- take care of yourself after 10!" WTF!
ReplyDeleteYour mother was a MHP? Mine was (well is- but she's dead to me) a worthless suicidal depressed alcoholic who publically expressed her disdain for me!
The *stashing* and just *sitting with the feelings&* things really burn my ass. Yeah, I can "sit" with being sad...but when I actually FEEL physically NOW what happened then - and I STG! I will bleed - literally! (that I don't get!) I can't just *sit here* and "watch and breathe" until it all floats away like a fucking cloud!
And then, in session, so many of us don't "trust" DT - so if she even MENTIONS evil SF- we are GONE!!!! and an hour can pass and we can't hear her or feel anything at all - just gone!
My mother is a dumb cunt, too. I don't like her. She called here tonight. I faked my way (only because her father is dying) and then said shitty things about her to myself after I hung up.
ReplyDeleteI understand why you are gone if DT mentions SF. I have a similar problem in that I'm afraid to get help from anyone (therapist, too) when a memory comes to get me. I feel like I have no safe choice but to suffer through alone to make sure no one can hurt me for remembering. I get overwhelmed with thoughts that someone will hurt me worse if anyone finds out that I am remembering or that it is upsetting me and making me shake and cry. And I feel like I have to keep it a secret that it feels like it is happening now and that there is so much terror. I had similar feelings about a past therapist once, but not to these extremes. But then again, I hadn't remembered anything, I just ran because I could feel the pressure in my head of something about to escape out of there and I didn't think it was safe. I never went back, and as it turns out, it seems in hindsight like I was right to leave there. It's hard to trust, Grace.
well, shit! My stupid internet disconnected me and I LOST all my comment!!!
ReplyDeleteBasically, I said: it sucks that we get 'fucked' then - and still now. And is there really a such thing as "trust" - I wonder....