Sunday, September 27, 2009

Gracie is a big girl now! She has reached a milestone on the growth chart!


“Grace: It sounds like you found that "strong" part of you, while simultaneously feeling intense anger, fear, grief, smallness, weakness, and power. Ultimately bearing witness, holding, managing and perhaps negotiating a truce with all these experiences inside you…DT”

Yes, DT! I totally did it "all by myself"!! I'm so awesome! The biggest relief is that I have found the perfect combo to alleviate the cutting, at least for now. It doesn't stop the conflicting voices inside my fucked up head- BUT- it does allow me to simply pass out before it gets to the cutting stage. And I can do it "all by myself". The perfect combo of ativan, seroquel and liquor…at just the right time….

As I see it, there are only 2 drawbacks- I have only 1 liver, and when I finally make it to bed- which most of the time I don't remember getting there- I'm not conscious enough to build the fortress correctly so I wake up w/o the security and typically no blanket or comforters- which leads to the whole fear and insecurity issues. But a minor price to pay- for the lack of newfound scars (at least any scars visible to the public). And I deal with it all by myself because I am such a "big girl" now. It’s so very exciting!!!

“Grace, Take a moment and realize what all you have learned, practiced, and are able to do that you couldn't even consider 3 yrs ago. In your proactively you were able to practice self love and a "presence" that felt too frightening or overwhelming for you 3 yrs ago. This is no small accomplishment! Bring the "strong" part of you to sit with the scared part of you. The little scared part of you isn't the one that needs to be strong; it is that adult part of you that is by nature a protector. The adult part of you that keeps protective radar out…That part of you is nearby….DT”

You are right! I have figured out how to shut them all up…and I could not have done this without your *consistent boundaries*. I had to be consistent with them. Hold my boundaries through their rage, let them fight and struggle and argue and attempt to kill themselves…and I just hold steady - just like you do with me. And it’s working! Eventually they shut up! (or maybe it’s just that I can no longer hear them because I’m unconscious from the drugs and booze- but either way, it’s working!!!!) Like you said, I can’t keep them safe, or alive. I can just be there for them, “in the limited ways that I can be”~ until I lose consciousness, go on my own DFW hiatus…and then I don’t worry or care anymore. Just like you!

I am so proud! This is a HUGE breakthrough. I am so awesome! Of course I also give ample credit to you for teaching me how to “tolerate” them, as you do. But please understand there is no “love” for them; I will never accept them, embrace them, or even like them…but like you, I will *tolerate* them until I pass out and no longer have to…just like you do me!

Thank you so much for the "kudos" and recognition, DT - because I too am happy at this newfound "independence" - especially since you're so busy now, and everyone else is more important than I am (which I totally get~ it’s a familiar message – I am no one and am just here to serve the needs of others).

You give yourself a giant pat on the back too! In fact, we should totally celebrate this new milestone of mine on Monday! I'll bring the wine, or grey goose, if you prefer, but only, of course, if that's acceptable to you- I don't want you to get the impression that I would be giving you a "gift"—like, we've been there, and the whole Christmas candy thing made me feel very uncomfortable! I'd prefer not to go there again, DT.

I think I’ll celebrate early…you don’t mind if I get the party started without you, do you? Of course you don’t – it’s Sunday, which is…as we know…a DFW *free* day! Yes, I will celebrate my achievement…DT…without you – as it should be.

You’re Beautiful!~ Grace

P.S. if you reflect back, I think you’ll find that 3 years ago, I was very independent…as that was BEFORE my "dependence" on you-before you worked so ‘diligently’ to get me to trust you. ALL of which happened prior to your life changing and you dumped the 5 year old for a man…and so now we have finally learned to be independent again. (I'm just sayin'....)


  1. That's funny. You handle things 'all by yourself' the same way I do. I had different ways before I got 'help', too. This is where some of the trust problems are coming from. It's why I shut him out and get schnockered. I can't take the chance that he will need me to go away if I trust him. I don't want to hear his voice the way it was that day and I don't want him to say bad things to me at a time when I can't handle things. I would rather stuff it all down on my own than be punished for needing. I'm thinking of quitting. If I do it, I'm gonna need a better plan first than the one I'm working now and it can't involve a therapist.

  2. Learning new coping mechanisms is part of the growing up process, even if sometimes it seems the growth spurt is too fast and we arent coping