Wednesday, September 9, 2009

"Grace, what do you NEED?"

I HATE it when DT asks me that question!

"Grace, What do you need?"

NEED: “require” ~ “want” ~ “necessitate”

DT: "What do you need right now. You don't have to do this in isolation. "
DT: "What do you need right now? I am not afraid of the little girl."
DT: "What do you need right now? If you need something I am here to listen."
DT: "If you don't think you are safe, then what do you need from me or others or yourself?"

Why does it matter what I "NEED"? Why do you ask me when you are not going to be able to grant that/those "NEED(S)"?

Is my Survivor Fairy Godmother" asking you for a list of "Grace's NEEDS" so she can come wave her magic wand, sing, bippity, boppity, boo...and I'll become an *unfucked* kid? Well, why didn't you say so!

Here's my list for the Godmother:
I NEED to be 'unfucked'. I NEED the voices in my head to stop. I NEEDED my mother to love me. I NEEDED my evil SF not to touch me. I NEED the flashbacks to stop. I NEED my body not to hurt. I NEED the fear to stop. I NEED for you, DT, to *be here* for me NOW like you WERE then. I NEEDED to be loved by my parents. I NEED someone to teach me what love really is. I NEED someone to show me that *trust* really does exist in this world. I NEED you to help me at night when I am suicidal and dissociative. I NEED you to be available after 10pm, when the hell started, you know, like you used to be...back when you actually *cared* about what I NEEDED. I NEED the little girl to stop whining and crying. I need to not have physical symptoms that relate to then. I NEED the nightmares to stop. I NEED the constant headaches to stop. I NEED my hips and my back to stop hurting. I NEED to stop having recurrent UTIs. I NEED the Psycho Angry Girl to stop hurting me. I NEED to sleep. I NEED to want to live before I die. I NEED you to hear me.

What? There is NO Suvivor Fairy Godmother? NO magic wand?
I'm shocked! NOT!

I'm guessing that's why she never showed up then, either...I prefer to think that rather than her never answering my cries of: Please make him stop hurting me!

I NEED you to STOP asking me what I *NEED* ~ Since we both know that those *NEEDS* will NEVER be my reality, and that it is actually more painful to ask for what you NEED and not get that need met, then it is to keep your *NEEDS* to yourself. At least that's true for me.

So...unless you have a * survivor registry* where I can resister for the aforementioned *NEEDS*, or, perhaps a *survivor merit* system where I can earn credits to 'buy' the above *NEEDS* (I'm not afraid of hard work)...then STOP ASKING ME WHAT I NEED!

Because we both know it does not matter what I NEED!

Can't undo what's already been done, DT. We both know that.

What Grace "NEEDS" right now is a bottle of Vodka and some cranberry juice~ THAT, DT is a *NEED* I can meet right now!
Here's to: *UNMET NEEDS*


  1. My dear ((((Gracie))))
    Sitting with you listening....

  2. I know it isn't funny at all, but I did laugh at the picture of the fairy godmother.

    You crack me up even when you're stating the obviously horrible.

  3. Thanks ladies...yeah, the day I stop laughing at myself, i'm sure I'll die...
    ~ Grace