I'm trying to prevent the Titanic from sinking by using a bucket to get the water out...it's never going to work!

Why do I continue to try to fight a losing battle?

DT told me that she won’t ‘abandon’ me…she said that continuing therapy is my decision …but I often think that I’m way too demanding and unfair and I should ‘abandon’ her – so she can finally have relief from the border. She really is a nice caring person – I truly believe that – and she doesn’t deserve all the horrible shit I project onto her. She doesn’t. I do believe that she screwed up with the whole email/trust thing – but we all screw up, right? Still, even with that, I’m like a walking time bomb and I have land mines hidden all over the place and she walks carefully because she never knows when she’s going to step on one.

I’m just so tired and frustrated. I feel like I’m in quicksand. My body, specifically my hips, ache so bad that I swear I have arthritis (hypochondria voice)…my head always hurts, I constantly vacillate between sad/lonely girl, 5 year old, PAG…CONSTANTLY! I feel like I’m walking through a haunted house…I can turn a corner and something horrible can be there that will send me reeling – and then I’m terrified, curled up in a corner, wrapped in a blanket, trying to hide. And I can’t stop it. I can’t just throw it in a box and shut the lid. I can’t just walk out of the movie theater and demand my money back. IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY! I can’t ‘ignore’ my body when it hurts, I can’t ignore the voices, I can’t stop “feeling”…IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY! Containment and DBT can go fuck themselves! The flying nun can go fuck herself too – and I’m pretty sure that’s the only way she will get laid!

But DT doesn’t deserve it…no one does. I am way more trouble than I’m worth. It’s taking too long. I’m so tired and such a burden to everyone. Nothing works – there’s no “self-soothing” machine anywhere hidden away behind my heart, or deep inside my fucked up brain.
This whole process SUCKS BIG TIME! AND I’M TIRED AND I DON’T WANT TO DO IT ANYMORE! And I am such a selfish unfair bitch to DT. She doesn’t deserve my ‘wrath’. But I still get so angry at her because she just pulled back and left me here to deal with the shit – and I CAN’T DO IT!

I only see one way out of this. And I know that DT needs the ‘relief’ just as much as I do. The whiny 5 year old DFW will continue to ‘demand’ DT’s help and comfort…and DT doesn’t have the time, or desire, to deal with her anymore. I don’t blame her, truly, 5 year old DFW is unbearable. But the fact remains that there is only 1 way to get her to shut up…only 1 way to provide relief and peace to DT and to Grace.