Saturday, September 19, 2009

I'm trying to prevent the Titanic from sinking by using a bucket to get the water's never going to work!

Why do I continue to try to fight a losing battle?

DT told me that she won’t ‘abandon’ me…she said that continuing therapy is my decision …but I often think that I’m way too demanding and unfair and I should ‘abandon’ her – so she can finally have relief from the border. She really is a nice caring person – I truly believe that – and she doesn’t deserve all the horrible shit I project onto her. She doesn’t. I do believe that she screwed up with the whole email/trust thing – but we all screw up, right? Still, even with that, I’m like a walking time bomb and I have land mines hidden all over the place and she walks carefully because she never knows when she’s going to step on one.

I’m just so tired and frustrated. I feel like I’m in quicksand. My body, specifically my hips, ache so bad that I swear I have arthritis (hypochondria voice)…my head always hurts, I constantly vacillate between sad/lonely girl, 5 year old, PAG…CONSTANTLY! I feel like I’m walking through a haunted house…I can turn a corner and something horrible can be there that will send me reeling – and then I’m terrified, curled up in a corner, wrapped in a blanket, trying to hide. And I can’t stop it. I can’t just throw it in a box and shut the lid. I can’t just walk out of the movie theater and demand my money back. IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY! I can’t ‘ignore’ my body when it hurts, I can’t ignore the voices, I can’t stop “feeling”…IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY! Containment and DBT can go fuck themselves! The flying nun can go fuck herself too – and I’m pretty sure that’s the only way she will get laid!

But DT doesn’t deserve it…no one does. I am way more trouble than I’m worth. It’s taking too long. I’m so tired and such a burden to everyone. Nothing works – there’s no “self-soothing” machine anywhere hidden away behind my heart, or deep inside my fucked up brain.
This whole process SUCKS BIG TIME! AND I’M TIRED AND I DON’T WANT TO DO IT ANYMORE! And I am such a selfish unfair bitch to DT. She doesn’t deserve my ‘wrath’. But I still get so angry at her because she just pulled back and left me here to deal with the shit – and I CAN’T DO IT!

I only see one way out of this. And I know that DT needs the ‘relief’ just as much as I do. The whiny 5 year old DFW will continue to ‘demand’ DT’s help and comfort…and DT doesn’t have the time, or desire, to deal with her anymore. I don’t blame her, truly, 5 year old DFW is unbearable. But the fact remains that there is only 1 way to get her to shut up…only 1 way to provide relief and peace to DT and to Grace.


  1. Weekends are generally worse for me, too. I wish I knew what to do to fix it.

  2. Please...when you figure out the fix, let me current 'fixes' are becoming quite dangerous to my health and safety... G.

  3. Dear Grace,
    Here listening because you are worth it.



  4. ((((Gracie))))
    Dear one I can relate to the pains in the body.
    Sitting here with you dear one....always listening......