Sunday, September 13, 2009

I DON'T WANT TO DIE! But she does. And I do not expect you to understand. I just want you to BE HERE for her!

Dear Therapist:
When you say things like, “The adult part of you needs to step it up and return …This has to happen NOW!” - it feels like everything that’s going on inside of me…the pain, the nightmares, the helplessness, the hopelessness, the anger, the sadness, the fear… isn’t even real. It makes me feel like I’m so inadequate and a failure and over-dramatic. It makes me feel like you think it’s all in my head and I have the power to just stop all of it and if I would just “step up” and use that power – I’d be HEALED! Yea Me! And I wonder why I don’t feel that way – why I still feel so much pain. Because of your invalidation I doubt my feelings, what happens to me, because I “choose” this because I want to feel this way. I must be a stubborn ridiculous drama because I can’t just “summon” the adult to take over when psycho chick’s in charge. Just figure it out, Grace! You’re such a whiny baby…come on! Get over it! Deal with it…” That’s what it sounds like. AGAIN! I’ve told you that there are times when I CAN do it – but there are just as many times I can’t!

I am not asking you to ‘understand’ it – or say you ‘understand’ it – that’s not possible. But it isn’t that easy to just “summon the internal ‘rational’ Grace”– and it’s overwhelming and it feels like a boulder has fallen on top of me and there’s no strength to lift it off. And I don’t want to die – but I fear every night that PAG is going to kill me… that one night, she is going to be in charge, and the ‘tools’ I have presently are not going to work, you are not going to be ‘available’ and it’s going to be the wrong night…and it’s going to be my last night. That’s *real* to me. Let me say this again. I DON’T WANT TO DIE! ME! I DON’T WANT TO DIE! But she does – because it doesn’t stop. And she can’t make it go away nor will she relinquish control. Not right now. Let me say this again, too: I do NOT expect you to understand how horrific it really is those nights.

You couldn’t possibly because :
1. You aren’t ‘living/experiencing’ it.
2. If you did understand, you wouldn’t tell me to “step it up and take charge” because you would understand that it isn’t even possible to do that.

I know that you have tolerated my pain for a long, long, very long time. And I am immeasurably grateful. I go back and read the ‘old’ emails you sent to me (PRIOR to all of your CHANGES) and I feel such love and acceptance in your compassion and hope and commitment to our ‘therapeutic relationship – that you had THEN – before all of your CHANGES. My experience now feels so dramatically different and I feel so disconnected from you. And I think I know why that is- but I don’t want to accept it, or believe it. And I know that all the ‘pain and fear’ is not going to let up any time soon and I am so exhausted I don’t know how much more I can survive, or if I even want to. It’s so depressing that some days I cannot even move and I want to die just to get some relief!

Regarding our appointment tomorrow: I have cancelled and then recanted that cancellation a couple of times both yesterday and today. I think about another session and I feel panic and confusion…PAG cancels because she hates you and 5 year old desperately seeks the safety of your presence. Unfeeling thinks it’s all a complete waste of time and sad/lonely girl can take it or leave it.

Tonight the pain in my head is excruciating – it travels down the back of my neck into my back – and nothing touches it. I desperately want to hurt myself tonight. It will make it stop – at least temporarily. I bite the inside of my lip until blood flows – trying not to do further damage. No one is here with me right now. I can’t call you to “direct you toward compassionate and specific actions that will request of you to take care of yourself, instead of abuse yourself” because according to my calendar…tonight, like MORE NIGHTS THAN NOT, you’re “UNAVAILABLE”.

There are voices all talking at once now, and at this moment, I don’t know if I will be here tomorrow, or if I am if I will be able to move…and I surely don’t know if “any” of us will show up at your office at all.


  1. There are many opinions in my head about showing up for therapy, too. I totally get it how being told to 'step up' and fix it is so upsetting.

  2. when does your T come back from vacation? Do you have an appt scheduled?