I have felt incredibly 'alone' recently. Not alone in the physical sense of the word, not in the 'borderline' definition of the word. I have family & I have friends...contrary to what some may think by reading my blog, I am not an introvert or a hermit.
But, at the same time, when I'm interacting with people, be it working or social, there is this ache, this emptiness inside of me. It's like there's all this space between me and everybody else. And each night it keeps growing and growing and I'm on one side of this gaping chasm and I'm screaming to everyone on the other side but no one can hear me. Not even the "ME" who is standing on the other side....she's laughing and smiling with everyone else.
The Grace standing on the light side of this seemingly endless abyss is surrounded by people...and she seems at ease with them. But they don't know the darkness that exists inside of her. The darkness that she will never share. She will instead keep it far away, in the darkness of the night, and it will never bleed over into the light.
It is so lonely when no one can hear your cries and screams for help. Each night I cry out in fear and the one person I think is holding it is afraid of it too.
I feel the same kind of loneliness.
ReplyDeleteHave you told her that you know she's afraid of it?
I don't know. I have told her that she doesn't "understand" how I feel. How overwhelming it is...I've told her that I don't want to die, but I fear all the time that PAG is going to kill me.
ReplyDeleteBut she just says crap like, "the adult Grace needs to step up and take charge. You have the tools you need to do this." And it isnt' that easy. Sometimes the tools work, sometimes they don't...and I know that one night, they're going to 'not' work -and it's going to be the 'wrong' night...and my last night.
I don't think she clearly understands how BAD it gets and that "Adult" Grace can't just *step in* and take over. She is no where to be found...