Thursday, October 1, 2009

The Sunrise was beautiful on Tuesday...

I called DT on Monday night. I wasn't comfortable leaving town, I still didn't feel "okay". I expressed all that PAG would not let me express and I told her I needed her to "hold me" (emotionally, not physically), and I told her I really needed to see her on Tuesday before I left. DT is not a morning person...but because of scheduling conflicts, she agreed to meet me at 7:30am. I asked her if she was was 10pm when we talked, and I know she isn't a morning person. She told me if it would keep me out of the hospital, she would meet me at 7:30.

DT was at her office when I got there...I apologized again for her having to come in so early. You know what she said? She said, "It was good for me. The sun rise was beautiful this morning...I don't see it very was beautiful." She tells me all the time, "Keep your face toward the rising sun..."

Our Tuesday meeting went much better than Monday and I left her office in a bit of a hurry, on my way to my PDOC appointment. I was thankful for DT’s flexibility and willingness to meet me so early, but honestly I forgot DT’s comment about the sunrise nearly as quickly as she said it. I hurried through the rest of my morning, running to an appointment with PDOC, stopping at my office for a few things, rushing to the airport…the rest of the day flew by in a flash....the next day was packed full of meetings & dinner. But when I finally made it back to the hotel I had a minute to think, and I reflected back, as I often do, and I thought of DT’s comment about the sunrise, as well as her email from Monday, when she said, "Grace, You are in a painful place and it will take a lot of courage for you to fight through this period. I have faith in you and me by way of our relationship and the work that we have endeavored as yet. Your desire to isolate is a natural form of self protection... I hear that you think that I don't understand or care anymore, but that is furthest from the truth. I do care and I will continue to care as I have. I have to live my life and take care of myself so that I can continue to learn and thrive and continue to offer what I can to you, particularly in ways that hopefully you can take and apply it in your own way...hopefully in a healing way. I hear your desperation and anxiety. This and you will be okay and I will still be here tonight, tomorrow and when you get back from your trip....Gotta keep the faith....hope.....face the rising sun....I do."

This morning, I left the hotel well before daylight to make an early morning flight home. I’m not much of a morning person but as we took off over the Atlantic ocean, I remembered DT’s comments and thoughts, and I looked out the window…and I saw it…the sun had formed a yellow orange line on the ocean. I put on my headphones to drown out the voices around me, and I pressed my face to the window like a child noticing something for the first time. Inside the airport everyone was hurrying, running, talking, rushing around, shuffling luggage...every few minutes important announcement are made about a flight, or a page for a stand-by passenger~every 5 minutes a reminder that you should never leave your bag unattended and that the security level is 'orange'. But on the plane it was quiet – the *quiet* before the day begins. And I looked out at the sun peeking over the ocean and I felt a sense of peace.

And in that moment I think I understood what DT was saying; the brilliant light of the sun rising above the blue water and marking the beginning of a new day, a new day that begins with promise and opportunity. I listened to Carrie Underwood singing "So Small" as the sunlight surrounded me and warmed my face, the clouds floated beneath me like cotton. And I was aware that I had been awakened to see it ~ and alone in this morning experience I watched the sun rise above the ocean and as I breathed in the colors and the warmth as Carrie Underwood was reminding me that it's so easy to get lost inside the pain and hurt ~ to let it swallow me up. And that sometimes the mountain I'm climbing is just a grain of sand. And all that I've been searching for forever is right here in my that present moment.

And DT was right ~ the sunrise was beautiful...


  1. {{{{{{Grace}}}}}}

    I like the email that DT sent you. It was a really nice one.

    Sunrise? Well, I don't see it because I am at home then, but I know when it has happened because then it feels safer to sleep. I used to take pictures of sunsets on the gulf. Sometimes I pretended they were sunrises.

  2. Heh. My word verification for that last comment was 'pregi'. I most certainly am NOT. I don't believe in immaculate conception.

    I guess I'll be making my way to bed soon. I wish I were not terrified at the prospect. I guess there are some things that alcohol sometimes fails to get rid of.

    *raising my beer bottle* Here's to the sunrise. And to us. Cheers!

  3. **CHEERS** right back to you. Well, if alcohol doesn't do the trick - I'm sure it would be no problem to get 19 scripts or so from the local PDOC *she says dripping with sarcasm* ~ Of course it's hard to be scared of anything when your respiration ceases!

    JBR ~ Hugs right back to you and your kindness