Saturday, October 17, 2009

What Would Marsha Do? Who cares! PAG is in charge tonight! And she will "take care of things"

I am hurting, and scared and it is not good. I am lost because I am denying myself again...I am struggleing and I am failing and tonight may be the end of my 2 week's of 'Good Little Gracie'. I am overwhemed with thoughts of self hate. I can feel it. And I've tried to "contain" it and "push it awy" and it is not working tonight!

My 'coach' has recently relocated to the Island of Shut Up & Behave and I cannot do it alone. She said she would not leave me in the middle of all of this...but she did.

I have pulled out my "WHAT WOULD MARSHA DO" list and checked everything off...and it's still here. This burning inside of me ~ the bad place ~ and I need to cut it out of me! Perhaps what's worse...is I know it help alleviate the pain ~ albeit temporarily. But right now- I'll take 'temporarily'...it's better than no relief at all. The quest to fix the hole in my bucket was unsuccessful. And frankly, I really can't make myself care right now. I'm finished with staying 'in the present'. Who would want to stay present in this body? For God's sake, the nun says we have 'no emotional skin'. Who wants to live like that?

This is not about finding a 'safe place', or taking allies, or throwing your troubles in a bucket, it is not about 'courage' or 'wisdom' this is about 'managing the symptoms', is is not? This is about making 'functioning less exhausting and difficult. This is about not speaking, in real life, about the pain and despair, the fear and the anger. This is about managing the 'symptoms' and 'masking' the problem.

So tonight I will 'manage' the 'symptoms' so they do not spill over and have a negative affect on anyone else. I will 'manage' and I will 'deal with her'....by myself.

THIS is about being'numb' and 'ignoring' what needs attention.
THIS is about not questioning and popping a pill.
THIS is about suffering in silence and doing what has to be done to continue to "live" for everyone else because you do not matter, and what you want and need do not matter.
They never have.

This is about putting a beautiful expensive picture and placing it over an ugly stain on the wall. The stain will still be there, even when something beautiful and breath-taking is covering it up...and if the picture is never removed the stain will always remain. It will stay there, dirty & forgotten.

I should not be alone tonight but I want to be alone. I want to hurt myself - because I deserve to be hurt. But then there is that '24 hour rule' - fuck it - it's not like there's anyone to call for help anyway! Clearly that little girl is so ugly, so dirty, so revolting - she even traumatized a valued member of the mental health community.

No one will know that I am suffering. No one will be allowed to see the scars beneath the clothing - lest they be revolted just like the FT
They will know only this:

I am Grace. I am strong and I am beautiful and I can do anything.
*Smile Pretty Gracie*
And they, unlike me, will believe it.

5 comments:

  1. No need to 'contain' anger and hatred. It doesn't belong in a bucket. You already know that buckets leak and that is part of the reason they are so flawed. Where does that anger and hatred belong? Perhaps on the man whore and the host body? Shame on them!!!!

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  2. this post hits me. It hits me because I've been there, felt it, believed I was bad, wrong, needed to be punished....for years, cutting myself, puking my guts out....until.....
    hang in there. There is no right or wrong way to heal..You are a survivor. You are amazing. One day you will know that. One day you will believe that. For today, take gentle care, as gentle as you know how to do. From someone who has lived what you penned. Sarah

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  3. Your blog is still not showing up on my list... I have removed it and reloaded it twice, but I can't get it to show up. I will keep trying unless you tell me that you would rather I not...

    "I am overwhemed with thoughts of self hate. I can feel it. And I've tried to "contain" it and "push it awy" and it is not working tonight!"

    I know about avoidance, about pushing things away, about trying not to see things. What I've only recently begun to understand is the other way...
    What if you did not avoid. What if you took those most painful, most difficult emotions and purposely looked at them, examined them, put them under the hot, bright light of your conscious mind and studied them.
    I've done it, Grace. I admit, I forget, I don't always do it, but when I remember it has always been a good idea. I process emotions instead of burying them inside me and having them leak out through my dreams, my relationships and sometimes my veins.

    Instead of running from it, sit down in a place that feels safe. Have paper, pens, crayons, markers, whatever feels like it will work for you to express your feelings, and write down every disjointed phrase, every angry thought, every ugly word of it. Draw it. Scrawl it. Scream it!
    When you do, you will see that they are only feelings. Only very old feelings. That's all.

    It's another way to let it out.

    You can send it to me, if you like. I will read every word. I won't judge your feelings or your past or your present. I don't care what has been said or done to you in the past, no person can truly judge another. If they think they can, they are wrong. Judgements made of another are self-serving lies, because none of us are perfect or meant to be.
    Not in this life.
    Or, another way I've "purged" some of my feelings is by destroying the words. I burn them. I do it a little at a time, reading each line to myself or out loud, and then I burn it.
    To me, the burning feels better if I have shared the thoughts with someone first.
    I have other methods of releasing anger, guilt and shame. I'm happy to talk to you anytime.
    I'm reaching out to you Grace, but I will not force myself on you. If this is too much for you, just say the word. I reach out to you not from a pedistal, but from equal ground because I have been exactly where you are, and some days I am still there.

    love and peace.

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  4. Lynn, yeah, shame on them...but shame on me too for believing it could be different.

    Sarah, thank you for the encouragement. Did you send me an email?

    Shen, I know you have been where I am, and I think you have so much knowledge and empathy and strength. I think your suggestions above are definately ones I should try. Its just that when you hear how you can't "contain" it, or be "safe" if you let any of it out...it's hard to overcome that, at least it is for me. But I haven't given up. (I think the blog thing is fixed now...)

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