My 'coach' has recently relocated to the Island of Shut Up & Behave and I cannot do it alone. She said she would not leave me in the middle of all of this...but she did.
I have pulled out my "WHAT WOULD MARSHA DO" list and checked everything off...and it's still here. This burning inside of me ~ the bad place ~ and I need to cut it out of me! Perhaps what's worse...is I know it help alleviate the pain ~ albeit temporarily. But right now- I'll take 'temporarily'...it's better than no relief at all. The quest to fix the hole in my bucket was unsuccessful. And frankly, I really can't make myself care right now. I'm finished with staying 'in the present'. Who would want to stay present in this body? For God's sake, the nun says we have 'no emotional skin'. Who wants to live like that?
This is not about finding a 'safe place', or taking allies, or throwing your troubles in a bucket, it is not about 'courage' or 'wisdom' this is about 'managing the symptoms', is is not? This is about making 'functioning less exhausting and difficult. This is about not speaking, in real life, about the pain and despair, the fear and the anger. This is about managing the 'symptoms' and 'masking' the problem.
So tonight I will 'manage' the 'symptoms' so they do not spill over and have a negative affect on anyone else. I will 'manage' and I will 'deal with her'....by myself.
THIS is about being'numb' and 'ignoring' what needs attention.
THIS is about not questioning and popping a pill.
THIS is about suffering in silence and doing what has to be done to continue to "live" for everyone else because you do not matter, and what you want and need do not matter.
They never have.
This is about putting a beautiful expensive picture and placing it over an ugly stain on the wall. The stain will still be there, even when something beautiful and breath-taking is covering it up...and if the picture is never removed the stain will always remain. It will stay there, dirty & forgotten.
I should not be alone tonight but I want to be alone. I want to hurt myself - because I deserve to be hurt. But then there is that '24 hour rule' - fuck it - it's not like there's anyone to call for help anyway! Clearly that little girl is so ugly, so dirty, so revolting - she even traumatized a valued member of the mental health community.
I am Grace. I am strong and I am beautiful and I can do anything.