I sit alone on Halloween night feeling trapped in a moment. Time moves back instead of forward. She is screaming within me and I know not what to do. I try desperately to suffocate the terrifying voices rambling inside my head. There is an abundant amount of anger and frustration, memories and regret, loneliness and terror. Again and again everything surfaces and erupts like a volcano spreading hot lava, scorching every inch of my body. I try to desperately to see the line separating my past from my present but I am unable separate myself, instead wavering from one side to the other time and time again.
I cry harder. I feel swallowed by pain; unable to speak and unable to breathe, longing for someone to help me~ but there is no one here. The room is filled with a heavy silence, the aroma of the past drifts through the air, the pungent smell pierces through my nasal passage, and my stomach churns with the overwhelming urge to vomit.
If I push it away it stays away for awhile, but it always comes back. I cannot do it now. Tonight I find myself without hope. Without hope. The darkness chokes me and I feel completely powerless – fear is etched into my spine. I am unable to face the fear alone, and yet I have no one to help me. I can no longer stash it away inside of a box or a bucket, it will not stay and I cannot do this alone. How do I face this fear? How? Never again will I allow myself to show the scary and shameful side to another. Never again will I allow myself to be vulnerable as another bears witness, showing me not acceptance but abhorrence. There is no coach for this.
I sit here, shaking and staring up at the dark sky and I cannot find a single star hovering. I take that as a sign that more darkness is yet to come. And so I sit, and I wait; and I continue to stare into space ~ no star to wish upon~ no light to follow. Just the darkness, the chill of the night air...the hopelessness.
Tonight, on Halloween, I feel physically sick and I am trapped in the shadows, where skeletons rise from the dead and moan together inside this cold and dead world.
One two~he's coming back for you...three four~try and lock the door...five six~he'll never ever quit...seven eight~she doesn't care; it's too late... nine ten~scared to sleep again... He's back...