Saturday, October 31, 2009

I am trapped in the shadows, where skeletons rise from the dead and moan in this cold and dead world

I detest the night ~ Thoughts tear through my head like a tempest pausing not for rest nor sleep. My past stalks me like the black shadow of death; a silhouette as thick as the everlasting night. She has manifested herself inside skin and bones, burrowed deep within a weak and hollow body. I walk around half dead and half human, unaware of any truth or peace. The truth only makes me hurt worse. It’s a brilliant paradox, really, that I can search so desperately for something that merely causes me pain.

I sit alone on Halloween night feeling trapped in a moment. Time moves back instead of forward. She is screaming within me and I know not what to do. I try desperately to suffocate the terrifying voices rambling inside my head. There is an abundant amount of anger and frustration, memories and regret, loneliness and terror. Again and again everything surfaces and erupts like a volcano spreading hot lava, scorching every inch of my body. I try to desperately to see the line separating my past from my present but I am unable separate myself, instead wavering from one side to the other time and time again.

It is like trying to climb mount Everest with no training.  It is over before you begin. 

I cry harder. I feel swallowed by pain; unable to speak and unable to breathe, longing for someone to help me~ but there is no one here. The room is filled with a heavy silence, the aroma of the past drifts through the air, the pungent smell pierces through my nasal passage, and my stomach churns with the overwhelming urge to vomit.

If I push it away it stays away for awhile, but it always comes back. I cannot do it now. Tonight I find myself without hope. Without hope. The darkness chokes me and I feel completely powerless – fear is etched into my spine. I am unable to face the fear alone, and yet I have no one to help me. I can no longer stash it away inside of a box or a bucket, it will not stay and I cannot do this alone. How do I face this fear? How? Never again will I allow myself to show the scary and shameful side to another. Never again will I allow myself to be vulnerable as another bears witness, showing me not acceptance but abhorrence.  There is no coach for this.

This task seems insurmountable. I have failed once again.

I sit here, shaking and staring up at the dark sky and I cannot find a single star hovering. I take that as a sign that more darkness is yet to come. And so I sit, and I wait; and I continue to stare into space ~ no star to wish upon~ no light to follow. Just the darkness, the chill of the night air...the hopelessness. 

Tonight, on Halloween, I feel physically sick and I am trapped in the shadows, where skeletons rise from the dead and moan together inside  this cold and dead world.

One two~he's coming back for you...three four~try and lock the door...five six~he'll never ever eight~she doesn't care; it's too late... nine ten~scared to sleep again...  He's back...


  1. Grace,

    I hope you are better this morning. I feel so bad for you that you were so scared last night. Many hugs...

  2. Thank you, Ivory,
    I woke up to find myself watching a scary movie - I hate that. But then went to bed and the sun came up I'm still here.