Thursday, October 8, 2009

I don't want to play anymore....

I had a really bad weekend, and I didn't show up to my therapy appointment on Monday. I didn't leave the house all weekend...and I, Grace, the 'president of the I care what people think' club ~ have not showered or washed my hair in nearly a week. I am in a dark - dark fucking place. I am fucking tired! I'm tired of struggling, I'm tired of being evil to DT because PAG cannot soothe the baby and goes border on her for her new 'boundaries' now that DT has a life and doesn't want to help us anymore. TIRED! Of all of it! About 95% of the time I just want to lie down and just stop breathing.

So I try to reach out to DT, I try to communicate how I feel - but she can't hear me. It's like I'm talking behind a glass and she can see my mouth moving and she cannot see me. And I'm tired. That's why I didn't go to my appointment on Monday - I'm too tired.

I have an appointment tomorrow morning with DT. And she has started her *dbt* rant once again...must be an annual thing - I think it was about a year ago when she did it the first time.

"Grace, we cannot do any work as long as you continue to hurt yourself and fight me."

Gee, DT ~ do you think perhaps I'm fighting you because I feel like you breached my trust, however unintentionally, and I can't get it back. I have tried...but I can't get it back. I don't know if I can ever trust you again....and I won't do DBT - I won't. I hate anything that has to do with the flying nun!

I'm so disappointed in ALL of the MHPs in my life! PDOC is obviously trying to kill me - I actually called her and she gave me a script for xanax! That's on top of the ativan, seroquel & ambien she already prescribed. Why? Well, one will never know the real reason, I can only guess...and my guess is - it's all part of the 'shut up and drug up' theory that they believe in now not realizing that if they OD all of their patients, they will be out of a j-o-b.

She used to help me....she used to hear me...but I don't think she does anymore.
And I'm so tired. And I'm so scared. And I'm overwhelmed with everything that goes on inside my head and it never stops. But no one LISTENS to that! No one HEARS that I can't just put on "Walking on Sunshine" and dance around my kitchen and then suddenly my spirits are all lifted, the stars are aligned and all is well with my soul. But no one understands that it doesn't work that way.

I'm tired of talking. Last night (Because it was Wednesday - and you know DT has to have her "stringent" boundaries in place so she emailed because it was Wednesday- and from her words, she seems to think we can "work this out"...signing her email with a smiley face. I don't want a smiley face. I want someone to listen to me, to hear my feelings and to not shove them away...I want some tone to tell me they "care" about me, and to validate ME. And I want someone to fucking reach back when I reach out. I don't want to feel anymore rejection or abandonment.

I think tomorrow will be my last appointment with DT - at least for a long time, maybe for good. I can't buy what she is selling now. And that leaves 'us' in a precarious position because I live in fear that when I leave her office tomorrow that 5 year old is going to sob because she is losing the only 'caring mother figure' she ever had. And then PAG will be angry and she will hurt us. And then the part who feels nothing will do whatever it takes to feel nothing.

There will be an ending tomorrow. But it will not be happy. But I'm too tired to fight anymore.

Gracie bids you adieu'


  1. Gracie I am so very sorry for your constant struggles and the lack of trust you have. You do need a support system dear one.