Friday, October 30, 2009

Should I stay or should I go… If I stay there could be trouble...if I go it could be double

...Nope – not a reunion of “The Clash” at my house tonight…
Tonight it is about what I am now left to call the “WHAT IF…” factor…

What if” I decide to trust her and she hurts me again with the nun?

“What if” I decide not to go back and the pain I’m ‘stashing’ overwhelms me and I hurt myself again…or worse!

“What if” she is only saying I can come back because she feels ‘professionally obligated’ to do so?

“What if” I really can’t trust her…

“What if” I need her and I’m afraid and she tells me to *deal with it*?

“What if” I do go back and she has rented a storage locker for all my feelings?

What if?  What if?  What if?  What if?  What if?  What if?   What if?  What if?  What if?  
I was talking to a friend of mine last night, and she was in pain…like the pain that happens when you are thrust back into the past and you can’t even move, kind of pain…I know that pain, and I know how it feels when you reach out to someone you trust and that person tells you to ‘deal with it’ or the closed sign is out because it’s after 10pm. Sorry! Try a suicide hotline – pansy!

I would make a really crappy therapist because when my friend expressed her pain to me, I cried with her! When she said, “Grace, I am so scared – and I just want to be okay.” - I knew exactly what she was saying! Part of me thought how difficult it must be to be a therapist and to ‘listen’ to the pain that we can’t be easy, right? And we are a volatile clientele aren’t we?

But the hardest part, the most difficult part is that the ‘pain’ and the ‘fear’ and the child…they typically come out at night – when it’s dark and we’re alone, and when we used to be fucked by the ‘trusted’ adult in our lives. And THAT is when we need the help! Is it realistic or ‘fair’ to expect our therapist to be there for us at night? No, not really…they have their own lives, the expectation is not that they are on call 24/7 – but when they do express their availability and what we believe to be actual ‘care’ and when we actually reach out and do call –only to be met with words like “entitlement’” and “manipulation” and “you make me uncomfortable” and “deal with it, I’m busy” or “put it in the bucket and we’ll deal with it next week” and “I don’t think your meds are working – call the PDOC” …well, it just isn’t that helpful, and in fact, can be even more harmful.

I, like my friend, grew up never trusting anyone. I mean, I could *trust* the fact that my SF would fuck me, and my mother hated me and never helped me, and the rest of the people kept their heads up their ass’s and pretended like everything was okay and nothing was happening! There was no ‘balance’ and he who held the power ruled the world. And we know that we don’t hold the power.  We never have and we never will

My friend had the “WHAT IF” factor last night…what if the therapist goes on vacation this week and I need her and then she invalidates me just like last time…and tells me to just ‘deal with it’.  And I am afraid it will happen again.  And she will abandon my in my pain.  And I should just abandon her first because I know it's going to happen and for god's sake just fuck me and beat me and get it over with already because I KNOW that's what you're going to do!  Just do it already!  Just do it now!  So I can deal with the aftermath!

Just do it!   Just do it!  Just do it!  Just do it!  Just do it! 

And I am afraid…. How do you get past that?

I surely don’t know…


  1. Thank you for being there for me, Grace. I was really scared.

  2. I know...I'm scared too - all the time. And all we can do is 'be here' for each other, when no one else can be. Because I understand your fear. I know what it's like to be in so much pain that you can't breathe, and you can barely dial the phone...and then to be told, "sorry, deal with it" well, it makes it really hard to dial the phone again in the future. I understand that - because I've been there- and am still there about 5x/week - and now I'm afraid to dial the now, like then...I 'deal with it'.
    I'm glad you called. And I'm glad I was here. And I 'get' it, my friend, I do.
    I get it...

  3. {{{{{{{{Grace}}}}}}}}

    Next time you have trouble dialing, maybe you can try my number? You're always welcome here.

  4. I hate the What Ifs! I live too much by fear, as well. I think my T is good at tough love because he often says, "Well, you can choose to be afraid." That's his way of telling me I can choose not to be afraid. Easier said than done, at best.

    There is one thing I agree with him on though and that is if you don't go (try), you will never know. If you don't go, then you will believe the answer is what you are afraid of and you will use it against your self the next time. If you go, you will find the truth. I don't know about you, but I find dealing with the truth easier than dealing with the force of the unknown. Go, Grace, find your truth. I will be thinking of you and I hope you are okay.

  5. Ivory, yep - that 'nonexistent' is a big obstacle a lot of times. Thank you for your continued encouragement....

    JBR- always good to *see* you...I hope you are doing well today.