Monday, October 19, 2009

"Grace, you have a sense of entitlement"... GET OVER IT!

I had a bit of a mental breakdown last night. Yeah, what's new. I called DT to see if she had any appointments open for today (Monday). And she told me that she did not have any appointments for Monday, but had 2 available on Wednesday and I could check my calendar and let her know if I wanted one of the two.

I may have said something about needing to see her, I really don't remember what I said exactly, but she then said, "Grace, you have a sense of entitlement and I cannot always accomodate you when you need to meet."

It really hurt my feelings because I have NEVER EVER asked for a 'handout'... and things like what she said - that's why I don't reach out to anyone for help. Because I don't deserve help and if I ask for help then I am a smug little spoiled brat.  And I don't understand why she would say she "cares" and will "be patient" and then she says that.  Although I felt self destructive last night, after that conversaion, I didn't need to cut myself...I felt like she did it for me...and it was sufficient punishment for the night.  

"Go write that down in your book and tell Granny, Grace." He used to say that to me all the time. He told me I thought I was better than everyone else and that I would find out that I was really nothing. My sense of *entitlement* and *conceit* must have started way before I was aware of it...I am aware now, though.
Yeah, I'm a spoiled brat.

I spent the rest of the night replaying what she said in my head, licking my wounds while I hid in the laundry room

"Grace, you are such a stupid selfish bitch! You don't deserve her help so stop even asking! You are BROKEN and no one will ever be able to help you put yourself back together again. Did you hear me, Grace? You are a stupid selfish bitch! You are a STUPID SELFISH BITCH!"


  1. You are not a stupid selfish bitch. You were hurting and went looking for help. I think it was especially cruel what he used to say to you given what he was doing. And I'm so sorry you heard what you did from DT. Words can really, really hurt.

  2. Gracie, you are NOT stupid or a selfish bitch!! So very sorry what DT said to you. That would have blown me away also. So proud of you that you did not SI.


  3. Grace, you are NOT stupid or a selfish bitch!! Why do T say things that hurt us so deeply! I am So proud of you that you did not SI.

  4. Wow, I am so sorry, you are amazing! Comments like this make me want to add her to the "needs their ass kicked list."

  5. Sweetheart... she can't kick someone out of an appointment because you call. If she is booked, she's booked.
    I don't know why she would have said that except that she is probably busy and felt like you expected her to drop what she had on her schedule because you called.
    Truly, I don't think you felt you were better than anyone else, only that you had needs and were trying to get them met. There was nothing wrong with you asking if she had anything open, only in expecting it would work out at the last minute.

    Why don't you take one of the wed appointments now before they are taken?

    I spent a lot of last week (most of it, actually) furious with my therapist over two different things. In the end, when I had resolved the issues, I realized that my anger was not really about her at all, but about things from the past - things that I didn't get then that were being triggered by her actions now. She didn't do anything wrong, but I felt like she had. I felt as if she didn't think my feelings were important. I felt like she didn't take me seriously.

    I think if you try to work this out with her you may eventually see that she is trying to set boundaries with you, not be mean. She is trying to be professional, which is what she is supposed to do - what she HAS to do - in order to be able to support you as a therapist.

    Transference is necessary, but it is also one big giant pain in the ass.

  6. Lynn, yeah, maybe I am selfish...I mean, if a TRAINED head doc tells you that you feel too entitled maybe I am...

    JBR, I have been told that's a heard voice to kill, or "reframe" when the person who is supposed to help you 'reframe' it believes it too...

    Sapphire, ah...stick around, you'll soon find out how selfish I really am - and how entitled I obviously feel toward DT and her "time". Yeah, the SI - 16 days's not over, of course, but I'm still hopeful..the no SI pertaining to cutting/drinking/burning...
    Don't be too proud - I still find other ways to hurt myself.

    Tyler, Yeah, sometimes words hurt just as much as a good ass-whoopin'.

  7. Shen, yeah maybe so...but her "boundaries" (you know, since the 360) really just make me feel unworthy, selfish and a downright bitch.
    And maybe it wouldn't feel that way if she hadn't yanked away her support and try to force DBT down my throat when I stated loud and clear that I would not do because I find it more harmful. I miss the old DT but I don't really want the new and "improved" one...kind of like my preference for Classic Coke vs. "new coke".
    I don't think she was being "mean" or trying to be mean - but it made me feel like shit just the same.
    I don't think she wants to work with me anymore - and this is her way of forcing my hand to say it (because she finds it "unethical" to terminate "our work together" somehow) - and it's working, if that's her plan.

  8. Then again, let me not 'project' myself onto her...maybe I really am a selfish bitch with an overgrown sense of entitlement.

  9. Or maybe she really is just trying to set healthy boundaries and you are reacting harshly to it because you are reacting to more than this situation. My sense is that your reaction to her new boundaries is a little strong for what is actually happening. Usually, for me, when I realize I am reacting strongly to something it is because I am reacting to something from the past. For instance, this week when I was so angry with my therapist, I knew, logically, that she was not setting out to hurt me. I know she is not perfect and will not always do everything exactly the way I think she should do it. I can't expect her to be perfect. But I was still angry.
    I realized, eventually, that my anger was about situations from my childhood that were being triggered by her actions. I was reacting to my mother pulling away because of her depression. I was reacting to my father who I could never count on to be the same person two days in a row. When I realized this, I was able to (slowly) put my T's actions in perspective and resolve the issues with her.

    Is it possible that you are reacting to things from your past? If so, being angry with your T is not going to help you. It isn't her responsibility to make you feel comfortable all the time. It is only her responsibility to help you resolve your issues, which all stem from the past. You are blaming her when the real issues are locking inside you...

    just my take on it.

    It isn't a matter of being selfish, its a matter of being reactive to the past and expecting someone else to be able to fix it for you (by giving enough support). If you count on others to fix it, you will live with disappointment your whole life, because they can't. They have lives to lead and have to follow their life path and it is not about you... it just is.

    I hope you can work it out with her because a T that will email you even a couple times a week is a rare find. To you, it feels like she is cutting you off, but to me it looks like she is just trying to put some boundaries in place to keep herself professional and be able to have her life, while still supporting you.
    My T doesn't email me every day, either. She is more available than yours, but that may just be because she is 63 years old and has less calling her away than yours does.

    I'm not trying to be mean... just trying to help you see reality clearly. Her boundaries are about her, not you. She isn't your mother, but she may be triggering feelings of abandonment that stem from your mother (or another caregiver). Instead of being angry at her for triggering those feelings, why not take a good look at the feelings while they are fresh, right there on the surface, and try to resolve them so you won't feel so hurt when someone is busy with their own life, in the future?

  10. "You are blaming her when the real issues are locking inside you..."
    I am NOT "blaming" her for anything. I take responsiblity for MY behavior and for my actions. Believe me, I take full responsibility for being a selfish bitch.
    "If you count on others to fix it, you will live with disappointment your whole life, because they can't."
    I have never ever "counted" on anyone to "fix" my problems. Ever.
    And for the record, according the the pod Marsha Therapist (formerly DT) I am not supposed to "look" at my feelings or resolve them, I'm supposed to throw them into a fucking bucket!
    And recognizing the 'email support' offered is not generally offered (Altho - I do see quite a bit of email interaction between client/therapist - when reading blogs) the POINT is the WAY it played out not "THAT" it played out. And I guess I'm just not "good enough" to let it go. Certainly you can understand that since you felt the same way when email support was changed, and then, your T was gracious enough to recognize that you were not ready for that to happen so it changed back.
    Yeah, That's not really an option for me.
    Thanks - though- I'm all set with "reality"