BUT! That was before I failed *Containment 101* and *Shut up & Behave 102*.
I have FAILED therapy! FAILED! I am both sad & angry. I feel defeated. ME! Grace! The perfect, over-achiever, successful, educated, 'living the dream', 'never had a bad day look at my perfect smile, cheerleader...has failed!
It is too much, there is too much pain and instead of feeling support I feel only pressure to keep any sign of distress hidden and feel only pressure to believe in something I cannot and no one will listen to me. So I fail. I am too tired to keep trying to fight for what I feel like I "need" and doesn't matter anyway. I've been fooling myself thinking that it ever did.
So, this is it. This is all there is, the "Fate of Grace". This is as good as it gets. Living behind a mask every day and scared and hiding from my 'irrational fears' at night. I wonder what the point is...why was I ever 'created' in the first place? I have had enough of this endless 'cyclical' cruelty of whatever this is....it's not a 'life'...that's for sure! I am sick of struggling and I am sick of 'sitting' with all of this alone! Sick! Sick! Sick!
I AM DONE ~ I CANNOT FIGHT ANYMORE!
I FAILED AT THE "UNFAILABLE"!
You're not the one who has failed therapy. Seems to me the therapist is the one who failed.
ReplyDeleteBut you are not alone. All of us are here.
ReplyDeleteI can see that you are so frustrated. I have been there so many times. I might be there again, but I am not there now. So believe me when I say that this feeling will go away, if you give it time. Take one thing at a time, one day at a time.
I'm so sorry about all the world crushing down on you.
You are not alone... there is support all around you. Unfortunately, nobody can heal you FOR you. You have to do it yourself. It sucks. It hurts. It isn't fair.
ReplyDeleteBut you are still the only one who can do it.
There is no failure... there are setbacks with lessons to learn. What I hear in your words is that you expect yourself to be perfect and only perfect is good enough. You are not MEANT to be perfec! Nobody is perfect, not in this life. We are imperfect beings in an imperfect world... and that's okay. No one does it all the time. We do the best we can... and that is enough!
I find, for me, when I feel like I've failed it's because I know I could have done more than I did. But even then, it's not really a failure because nobody does it all the time. We wouldn't be human if we did.
You are a grower, Grace. You can see there is more to life than the little slice you have been given and you are searching for the rest of the pie. It will come to you, one bite at a time, if you keep looking.
((LYNN)) Have you mailed my oompa loompa yet??? ~ I don't know that you're right on this one sister...what do I know.
ReplyDeleteIvory, yeah, it all comes full circle again and again and again...and then some. It's that feeling of waiting for the other shoe to fall - and then when it does - I expected a size 7 not a size 16 mens!
Shen, Thanks...obviously my best wasn't good enough.