BUT! That was before I failed *Containment 101* and *Shut up & Behave 102*.
I have FAILED therapy! FAILED! I am both sad & angry. I feel defeated. ME! Grace! The perfect, over-achiever, successful, educated, 'living the dream', 'never had a bad day look at my perfect smile, cheerleader...has failed!
It is too much, there is too much pain and instead of feeling support I feel only pressure to keep any sign of distress hidden and feel only pressure to believe in something I cannot and no one will listen to me. So I fail. I am too tired to keep trying to fight for what I feel like I "need" and doesn't matter anyway. I've been fooling myself thinking that it ever did.
So, this is it. This is all there is, the "Fate of Grace". This is as good as it gets. Living behind a mask every day and scared and hiding from my 'irrational fears' at night. I wonder what the point is...why was I ever 'created' in the first place? I have had enough of this endless 'cyclical' cruelty of whatever this is....it's not a 'life'...that's for sure! I am sick of struggling and I am sick of 'sitting' with all of this alone! Sick! Sick! Sick!
I AM DONE ~ I CANNOT FIGHT ANYMORE!
I FAILED AT THE "UNFAILABLE"!