"Why the long face, Grace?"

Last night, on his way to bed, DH walked over to me and asked me what was wrong.  He said I looked sad.  I told him I was fine, he kissed me goodnight and headed into dreamworld (which for him does not consist of demons and rapists).

But I wasn't fine...what I really wanted to say was I was overwhelmed!  I feel scared and sad and alone.  I feel like a ship without a rudder...dare I say I am F-A-R from fine!  But I told him I was 'fine'.

After everyone went to bed I started to cry. Tears were pouring out of me and I could not make them stop. I am just overwhelmed with everything right now…I even broke down and c alled the therapist’s voicemail just to hear her voice (it was after 10 so I knew she wouldn’t asnwer…and I just wanted to hear her voice) I didn’t leave a message, I just thought that somehow hearing her voice would help me, or at least comfort the little girl, because I couldn't seem to do it.

How pathetic am I?

I sat in the laundry room for awhile, wrapped in my blanket, and then I decided that I’d better go to bed before things spiraled out of control. So I climbed into bed and cried myself to sleep. I had terrible dreams and woke up several times painicked and drenched in sweat…Restless and scared. I am not now, nor have I ever been, someone who likes to ‘cuddle’…ever. But each time I woke up I was sleeping right against DH.  But I still didn’t feel safe…I don’t know if I ever will.

My body feels so heavy today my eyes are so tired from crying.   I am not okay and I do not know how to make it stop. 

I’ve pulled away from the therapist, and have refused to feel any connection with her at all.

And I am afraid to let myself come back.

I have lost the map and I don't think I can even remember the way...