It's just a symptom (ED) masking the problem (CONTROL)...

It is not a big secret that I tend to trade in one maladaptive coping skill for another....but it's all about symptom management, isn't it?  Manage the symptoms - but ne'er to discover what the real problem is, or if you do, do not address the real problem, ever...because it's much too scary....

Right now, I do realize that the problem is "CONTROL".   If I cannot negotiate or find a workable solution to something, I feel a loss of control, so I latch onto something that I can control.  And right now I can control what I eat or do not eat.  And I can divert my willfullness from one thing to another quite easily.  Divert - not conquer.  And I have diverted my willfullness to not eating, quite successfully, I might add.  I don't typically 'half-ass' anything - when I commit to something - I COMMIT!  I'll leave it to the 'experts' to decide which "Mental Label" those 'characteristics' lend themselves too.

I still feel hurt and angry and undeserving...so therefore I am undeserving of food - and if I fail at this f'd up therapy process than I will succeed at this....so I've spent the last two weeks in ED 'training'.  I called it willpower, but a friend of mine enlightened me today with her direct honesty that it isn't about will-power, it is really just a symptom of a bigger problem that needs to be looked at and resolved.

Her exact words were, "You really need to identify and work through the problem...if you don't you're going to end up lonely and unfullfilled.  And you'll find yourself miserable and staring at a reeces cup for 3 days and not allowing yourself to eat it." 

(This statement was made after I mentioned that I am in a test of willpower, so after not eating all day, I sit and stare at a Reece's but I won't eat it. - Control - I do it to make sure that I can.)

I appreciate her directness!  No judgement ~ just direct honesty.  I only wish everyone were as honest...

I decided that she was probably right...and in an effort to not get too attached to the Reece's ~ I threw it in the bucket.  And just like that *POOF*  -  it ceases to be a problem.  Maybe I can deal with eating/food aversions next week, if I feel more "emotionally" prepared, and can do it in a way in which it does not offend or sicken anyone else.