Friday, October 9, 2009

Chronically Suicidal

Today the therapist (I have taken away her "dear" status) wanted me to sign a "NO self-harm~no suicide" contract. Of course, she has given me some time to "mull over" the idea of signing the contract - it's certainly a lot more involved than a mortgage contract (although, from what I understand, not legally binding). In the past she has requested I sign one of these "contracts" and has given me copies of them but has never enforced them or followed up to ensure she has one "on file".

When she gave me a copy today, I told her I already had one, and she replied that it was an updated version of the form. I looked it over, and the only update to the form was that she had added..."such as after 10pm" after "I *crazy patient* agree to call "The Therapist" at "said phone number" when I have suicidal thoughts. Should "The Therapist" not be available (ADDENDUM: such as after 10pm) I will call ...." (The Therapist is notorious with her addendum's~ I have found it is always important to read the fine print with anything she gives me.)

Anyway, I digress.... She told me today that I am "Chronically Suicidal" ~ so of course, it makes the most sense that she should have this form on file with my signature therefore holding me accountable to my own death? I don't get that....Signing this 'non-legally' binding agreement to not hurt, or kill, myself is going to keep me alive? It's a piece of paper.... What's the national average on mortgage loan defaults in the United States? And a mortgage contract IS a legally binding contract.

"Chronic" ~ marked by long duration or frequent recurrence
I am "chronically" suicidal now. Just as I was "chronically" fucked as a kid ~ Gee~ I wonder if the two are connected in some way? Yeah...probably not....

When she gave me the contract, she was quick to point out that she is in no way legally responsible for ensuring I do not commit suicide. Really? That's a relief since it would be difficult for her to do when she is no longer available "after 10". Or 4 evenings a week. And I never said she whatever! I "get" that she doesn't care now that she has the fossil.

I just hope she "gets" that a piece of paper with my signature on it doesn't mean shit when I finally decide to take the abundant amount of pills and finally escape the pain forever! I have a plan "Therapist". And if you think a "signature" on a piece of paper is going to prevent me from carrying out that plan, well, you are sorely mistaken.

I suspect, though, that you would actually welcome my death. You have done so much for me, and I hope that I can leave you with that parting gift..

I can almost hear you and your fossil rejoicing, "Free at last! Free at last! Thank God almighty, I am free from Grace at last." (I'll be singing the same thing....I assure you...)

At the end of the hour (that for once lasted forever!) The Therapist asked me what I would like to do for next week, schedule wise...I told her I'd get back with her. I don't want to make an appointment, only to be a 'no show'.

A suicide contract is not worth the paper it is printed on! The Therapist cannot hold me accountable if I am dead, thoughts run through my head as I begin to count out the pills...wondering how many it will take to stop the pain.

I don't know what happened to my dear therapist, but I don't care for "The Therapist" ~ the one who says "It isn't about what I USED to do for you, Grace" ~ before I began f'ing the fossil and left you to your own accord without teaching you the skills I used to comfort little Gracie~ "It isn't about "me" the therapist." Yes, you're right. It isn't about you. It's about me, Grace, and ME only. The ME who has no idea how to communicate to you the pain and conflict that happen every night - and that it isn't possible to throw it all in a bucket until next Monday when I can take it out and spend 50 minutes talking about it.

Wanna know what cracks me up about the stupid fucking *suicide hotline shit? They always say, "There is help. Getting help is the answer...'Your life is extremely valuable! You matter!" (until the fossil enters the picture)
REALLY? Because I've been "Actively getting help" for nearly 4 years - and it aint' helping! Guess that means there really is NO hope for me! So see ya in the after!

Everyone else abandoned Gracie, turned their heads, it's my turn now. Obviously, it doesn't matter ~ clearly there's nothing left here...

"Chronically" suicidal, just turned into "terminally" suicidal...

~ Adios!


  1. No, it isn't worth the paper it's written on.


  2. You can't do anything to yourself. I would feel betrayed.

    I try hard not to have those feelings and I would feel betrayed.

  3. And just so you know, *I* did not abandon Gracie. I didn't turn my head. I love her. I'm still here and I trust you. I know you're still here, too (even though you're sleeping). I'm going to bed now, too. Goodnight, my friend.

  4. Suicide contracts are dumb.

    You are awesome.


  5. Grace,
    for some reason your blog is not showing up on my list. Your name is there, but there is no announcement of new entries... so I didnt' see this until now.

    I have a lot to say... too much to sqy it here. I'm going to go email you right now.