Thursday, October 29, 2009

I am the product of a woman who never wanted me and a man who wanted me in controlling and abusive ways

Last night, The Therapist (obviously a glutton for punishment) gave me a 'reserved' sense of hope and desire to continue to try, and maybe believe that I did not fail after all. 

Dear Grace,
Having not spoken with you since our exchange of emails re: scheduling (which isn't really speaking with one another), I am left to wonder how you are handling the quiet desperation that I know that you experience day to day. I suspect that you are working very at trying to nurture yourself and manage the "voices" of self invalidation. I wonder how well you are managing the temptation to isolate and instead letting others from cyberspace and otherwise provide you with support.

I would like to share that the conference I have been attending has guided me in some ways that I hope with benefit our ability to renegotiate our goals and methods of work together, not to mention hopefully my ability to help you find a way to reach your goals. With the help of this conference and self reflection, I am clearer on how my shifts and or comments could have felt invalidating and/or unreasonable, while also recognizing that some "shifts" are/were necessary. The pain and emotions that overcome you feel truly too much for you to bear and sometimes "healthy ways to cope" just don't work. I am better recognizing that there are many situations in which you are overly competent and other ones in which those abilities don't generalize. I also hope that we can find a way to accomplish a greater sense of being able to feel or need without it either overcoming you or forcing you to have to totally suppress it. I am re-recognizing that the hidden shame that you attempt to cope with each day is in need of further validation and care. I truly hope that next Monday we can restart a dialogue about identifying your goals, needs, etc. and how best to get there.
With hope and patience,
Dear Therapist

Dear Therapist,
I made an appointment to see you next week, even though I continue to have portentous reservations about talking to you; and I am assiduously trying to quiet the part of me who is screaming that it is better to just continue to avoid any type of contact at all. She continues to believe that it is better to just walk away from you then to continue to head down a path filled with buckets which as I have tried to convey time and time again leads to hostility, defensiveness, and further resistance. I admit that your email brought with it a flicker of hope to continue on this journey, but the ‘what if’ gang is singing kareoke songs of doubt inside my head.

As much as I regret to say this, I did not come with an owner’s manual, nor is it possible to run a quick diagnostic test on me and diagnose the ‘problem’. It took me a very long time to trust you and it seems that at some point you lost your trust in me and we began working against each other. Obviously, I'm no therapist, but I do know that if neither of us can trust or have faith in the other, moving forward is not possible. And I question the sudden change and I am somewhat saddened that you suddenly believe and ‘trust’ in something you hear from another ‘mental health professional’ and yet you did not hear it, or trust me, when I said it.  And I am still searching for signs of the flying nun in your message.  And I wonder why you even want to try to help me since...well, because I am "ME"...

I recognize that I am not easy to work with someone with my “history” ~ and my constant hyper-vigilance and defensiveness incessantly tire and frustrate you. I question things I do not understand and I can be a rainbow of ‘personalities’ in one session leaving you feeling exasperated and wanting to pull your hair out. I know that I am different than you (or at least who I ‘know’ you to be). I know that I experienced way too much, way too early, and these things make me react to situations in aberrant and strange ways which perhaps leave you to question your own sanity for not throwing me out of your office into the tree-hugging recycling bin.
I am a high-maintenance client.
I am a sad scared little girl.
I am an angry rebellious teenager.
I am a self-reliant woman with above average intelligence.
I am sad and small.
I am overbearing and demanding.
I am questioning and untrusting.
I am sarcastic and amusing.
I am outgoing and reserved.
I am determined and strong but also fearful and weak.
I am honest but withholding.
I am compassionate and giving and yet also hard and cold.
I am stubborn and willful.
I hide behind the fa├žade of a woman I want to be.
I feel nothing and too much at the same time.
I am the life of the party but never really present.

I am beautiful crystal on the outside but shards of broken glass on the inside.
I will endure a hurricane to take away someone else’s pain and turmoil and yet I cannot seem to do the same for myself.
I am the product of a woman who never wanted me and a man who wanted me in controlling and abusive ways.
YOU: Dear therapist, are a compassionate woman with the patience of a saint, but I hope you understand that none of the above intrinsic personality quirks have changed since we last spoke.   I don't know exactly why you still have not given up...for the love of God....but I guess for now, I will allow myself to ‘trust’ what you say above, and that you still have the patience to deal with *all* of me.

So I guess I will see you next week....
~ Grace

P.S.  I hope you are not just reaching out because much like my feelings and emotions you are tired of being in a bucket.

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