Sunday, October 11, 2009

*Execution Boundary* card says, "Climb aboard the DBT Cruise Ship or else..."

To The Therapist:
You have pulled out the *Execution Boundary* card ~ stating if I do not do DBT we can no longer work together. You are determined and confident that the DBT path is the right one and I am equally indomitable that I will not go down that path again. As I see it, this leaves us in an irresolvable divergence. A kind of crossroads. And now I am told that if I do not try harder, if I do not consent to DBT, that you will no longer work with me, thereby reinforcing my ingrained thoughts of badness, and being cast out…that no one can ever be trusted to know my “true” feelings or they will call me bad.

I hear your powerful word as threats and I do not believe that being coerced into a treatment I do not agree with is acceptable. Your dramatic shifting, changing and tightening of your boundaries has acted as a cathexis feeding my fear of your abandonment and increasing my regressive behaviors. This, in turn, has lead to resentment and further emotional unavailability from you, which leads to further self destruction of myself.

No, I am not yet, ‘on board’ with your thoughts and sermonizing of DBT. I will never be on board with DBT, not last year, not today, not tomorrow…it will never come to pass. Just as you have your boundaries and limitations, I have mine. Despite what you might think, I do know myself, and I also know that if I allow myself to step into the ring of DBT with you as the ring leader, it will lead to further demolition of me, as well as what is left of our therapeutic relationship. And I will not allow that to happen. I cannot and I will not.

The words of old DT resound inside my psyche, (“I am here and you are here and you are not alone.”) ~ but the words of the new T (“Well, we are all really alone, are we not?”) now overshadow and silhouette the words of old, making the old feel quite past tense. In a literal way, they are no longer a part of me, but instead part of a history that seemingly played out in a parallel universe. If I am truly alone in this, from a therapeutic standpoint, I choose to be completely alone in this rather than try to fight to find the therapeutic relationship of ‘old’.


I find it remarkable that as I have vehemently denied to accept DBT as a workable solution, you say to me, “I understand from our session today that you are still thinking about all this and as of yet, not yet on board”. And it has become very clear to me that you are not leaving the therapeutic port unless it is on the luxury ship of DBT. And this should come as no surprise to you, but just as you left me behind when your life changed, you will also be leaving me behind now, when you, Marsha, CLF and the other fine MHPs push off and begin your journey to the Island of Shut UP & Behave. If you look back, you will find me standing on the dock waving goodbye to you and your cohorts as I have no yearning, or intention, of visiting the Island. From what you have expressed to me, DBT is something you have learned and choose to practice, and as happy as I am that you are on an ongoing expedition to learn more about your chosen field I cannot be your experimental patient. I hope that you can respect my own quest for what I believe I need for me on my own journey, and although, like you, I am still learning, I do know that DBT is not a choice for me; nor will I “practice” it with you.

I am sorry and hurt that although you tell me I am ‘in charge’ of my own healing, it seems as though that is really not the case. And it saddens me that I laid out my traumatic past before you to bear witness and now I feel I am walking away even more traumatized for trusting someone else to care and support me as I try to overcome the past. This is not about me and my healing as much as it is about your continuing to shamelessly press DBT upon me (which is really not unlike a man pressing himself upon me insidiously until I can no longer fight and just give in…). You know this to be a weakness of mine, and perhaps you are playing on that as you say “not yet on board” …. As my past has demonstrated that eventually I will just agree to do something because I am tired of saying no, and I am not worth the trouble of the continued fight.
I will not do that now. I have, I will, and I do say no, and I will not be coerced, shamed, forced, pressured, intimidated or bullied into a program I do not believe in. Even if that does mean you pull out the “Execution Boundary Card”.

I cannot and I will not....

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad you know what you want and don't want. For the reasons you state, that in itself can be a challenge.