*If you have not read my most recent posts on entitlement in the *therapeutic relationship* you may perhaps think Grace is smoking crack – but I assure you this is not the case…I am completely drug free and lucid and the only bucket I have with me is the one with the therapist in it. (Marsha told me to put her in there...just to notice her, not attach to her...and throw her in the appropriate labeled bucket until I am ready to deal with her).
I have avoided speaking or corresponding with the therapist since the Sunday, “Veruca, get yourself in check, you are not getting an Oompa Loompa or a squirrel!”, incident. I suppose in a sense one might say I’ve thrown the therapist in a bucket and distracted myself so as to avoid her. Kind of like everyone did to the 5 year old ~ it works! And she thinks I did not even try to learn the skills…oh contraire’, therapist extraordinaire. ..I have listened and learned and can ‘mirror’ the skills and behavior.
But like rest of my ‘bad’ness she is just not staying in the bucket and is insisting that I face her and either ‘come up with a plan to continue working together’ or…(as she politely said) “take a vacation”...(Where am I going? I hope it's somewhere tropical!) Humorously, she let me know at 9:50 on Wednesday night, that she was working on Thursday, and she encouraged me to find a time on Thursay morning to meet with her~ and contact her as quickly as possible...I guess so, since she only talkes calls till 10pm - no pressure. Unfortunately, my schedule was already exploding with prior commitments so I had to put the therapist back into the bucket – as I was not able to fit her in that day.
I am only doing what I was told to do to protect those around me who are unable to deal with my ‘emotional disregulation’. Avoid, distract, and half-smile. Shut up and behave yourself, Gracie! I do care about the therapist and I do think she has helped me, but she believes in buckets and I do not. I have admitted that I failed at therapy…failed at the unfailable. I don’t understand why I need to go to her office to admit that in person.
One thing I have realized this past week is that what I was previously fighting her about, the email support and her *changes*~ is really not about email support at all. It is about the WAY it was presented to me, and the TIME and surrounding situations in which it played out. I don’t want to sit by the computer and send her 20 emails a day and wait until a specific time on the clock awaiting her answer. That’s a bit co-dependent, and would really just create another problem for me by my becoming more dependent on her…and I am not going to run out and get a bracelet that says “What would the therapist do”. (Not a good idea~ I've been there, done that, just dusted the mantel with the t-shirt!)
I realize that would not be taking the train to ‘Healthy-ville” and I appreciate her recognizing that and continuing to stand her ground even when the 5 year old cries relentlessly. That boundary I can respect and accept. I am more than fine with the ‘email’ support she now offers but I am still not fine with the change getting thrown onto me and my internalizing the changes as all MY FAULT…and what I think is dishonesty and avoidance of what really happened when everything ‘changed’.
I don’t know how to take her out of the bucket and ‘deal’ with the “therapeutic relationship” right now…in a way that is healthy for me. And I admit I am not sure how to move forward. Wouldn’t Marsha say to leave her in the bucket until I am ready?
Interesting fact…since I haven’t had to listen to the DBT MANTRA for a couple of weeks, I have not had any urges to SI that I have not been able to negotiate or deal with in a more appropriate manner. Today is day 21 since I have SI'd and I assure you the solution had absolutely nothing to do with buckets or boxes. Oh, I have been depressed and I’ve sobbed and lived a lot of nights in fear and pain, I’ve felt failure and hopelessness – but the sun is up now and I am still alive.
There are still questions that remain:
Am I healthy? No
Do I think I can just *stop* this process and move on and forget about it and be happy? No
Am I ever going to be able to move forward? I don't know...
I don’t know what to do right now….but I’m still here…and I still believe that some day there will be beauty from my pain.
I just don't know what to do about the therapist in the bucket....
So I guess I'll *distract* myself for now...HIT IT SHIRLEY!