Saturday, October 3, 2009

Just pray harder, Grace....

I have been on edge and triggered all day long…there are a variety of reasons…and the mere fact that it is the weekend tends to steer me toward the ‘bad place” – and I am falling quickly into the darkness tonight. DH is not home at home tonight, and my kids wanted to order pizza but I couldn’t leave the house and I can’t have pizza delivered when DH isn’t home to answer the door. You know, because I have that irrational, unfounded fear that the pizza delivery man might rape or beat me, or worse, hurt my children. So they had to settle for whatever was in the house- selections were limited as I haven’t made it to the store.

There’s no comfort tonight, other than in a bottle of wine and a pill box full of ativan...DT would tell me, “Grace, there is no reason to be scared. Find your safe place. Listen to your gramma’s soothing voice.” Nothing to fear? Are you serious? And the safe place comment always cracks me up! Do you really think there was any place ‘safe’ to go then? Where the hell would I find safety in a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom, filthy trailer? There was NO safe place. There was no place to hide! Except inside my head.

I should pray about it. That’s what my very religious gramma would tell me. Just ‘pray harder’ Grace’. God answers prayers. Just pray harder, Grace…pray harder. My gramma is very religious and very private. Don’t ever air your dirty laundry to anyone, well, with the exception of God. Pray harder Grace…pray harder…
Why didn’t God every answer MY prayers?
Why is that?
Because I wasn't "good enough"?
Because I didn't pray LOUD enough?
Because I didn’t pray HARD enough?
Because no one cared!!!!!!
That's why!
No one really cares now either…throw it all in a container, spray some holy water on it, drop to your knees and PRAY.
DON'T you dare tell me that my fear isn't 'real'. Don't you dare tell me that you "care"! No one does! And it doesn't matter anyway - no one can accept the 'unacceptable' - apparently not even GOD!
My grandmother is loving...yes, she rocked me, she sang to me when I was sick - she spent every night with me when I was in the hospital repeatedly for recurring kidney infections... because kids that get fucked tend to develop recurring UTIs which left untreated lead to bladder infections which then lead kidney infections. She was THERE! But she NEVER asked me! EVER! No one did!
But I guarantee you she fell to her knees every single night and PRAYED for her fucked up alcoholic daughter and her screwed up grandkids.
Just pray harder, DT. Just pray harder!
Yeah - I should get down on my knees RIGHT NOW! And PRAY For fucking "relief"
If I'm still breathing tomorrow you'll know HE heard me!

1 comment:

  1. I hear things like this a lot and it was also the kind of thing my own grandmother used to say. It makes me very angry now. I remember once hearing her and one of my aunts saying that we should pray for my brother's daughter (who lived in a horribly abusive hell). I got so mad I screamed at them and told them that she doesn't need someone to pray, she needs someone to get up their ass and actually DO something. It's terrible, Grace, that the people who offered us comfort didn't protect us. It makes it harder to find a 'safe' place when even the safe place didn't save us.