You may not like what I have to say here, but I WILL AND CAN HOLD "ALL" OF YOU, even the ugliness, shame, dirtiness, anger, sorrow, etc. It is "my choice" to do this when you entrust me with your feelings, needs, thoughts, actions, scars, gasps for air amidst tears, shakes, etc. I will not hide it, burn it or destroy it, because this is included in all of you and I am in our world to help you love, accept, tolerate, redirect, all that you come to discover about you. You don't have to believe that you are strong right now....I know that you are. BE SICK OF IT ALL...BE ALL OF YOU and stop the secrets about *this* because *this* is you and every time you hide *this* you hide yourself and you don't want this anymore. You know this, I know this, now let others know this. I want to hear all your rage and pain because I want to hear you. I will not run, I will not close my eyes or ears.
No…you will not ‘hold’ any part of it…because when I showed you the ugliness, the shame, the dirtiness, the sorrow…you did choose to close your eyes at the ugliness because you were afraid it would hurt you. That is why I keep *THIS* from everyone else in my life…I am stronger than them. I can handle *THIS* and have handled *THIS* for 38 years. I am stronger than you. You cannot handle *THIS*.
I do not want you to hold any part of me.
I do not want you to see or hear my feelings, needs, thoughts, actions, scars, shakes, or tears.
I do not want you to hold any part of me.
{{{{{{{{Grace}}}}}}}}
ReplyDeleteGracie,
ReplyDeleteI am hating that you are suffering so much. If your therapist wants to be your bucket, go for it. maybe DT closed her (his?) eyes because there was a moment of gathering of strength for which to help you. Reach out and dump the bucket and then the hole won't matter.
I wish your blogs streaming was on - I often watch from my dashboard so when someone posts a new one, I can read it. I haven't been here for you and I'm sorry.