I was 6 years old the first time I remember feeling envy. I had a new friend and she invited me over to play at her house after school. She had this amazing family...They were like that barbie family from the 70's ~ "The Sunshine Family". My friend had loving parents and even a little brother...just like the sunshine family. She had her own room complete with a canopy bed! I always wanted a canopy bed. She took me into their den to show me a doll house that her dad was making her...it was beautiful! I looked in awe at this blue house complete with a porch and real shutters! There were even shingles on the roof that her dad glued on one by one! Inside the doll house was tiny little doll furniture...the whole house was decorated - there was wallpaper on the walls with tiny little flowers on it. The little girl's room in the dollhouse had a GD canopy bed! Her DOLLS lived in a better house than I did! My friend's DOLLS had a "home" and they were not even real!
I was green with envy...and I was sad because I knew that my 'family' was not normal. And I knew then that I would never have a canopy bed, or a dollhouse...I knew that I would never feel safe or loved. And it wasn't fair! How come I would never have any of those things? What did I do wrong that I didn't get to have a family like that? Why?
I feel that way now. I read about the support and genuine care that some feel on their 'healing journey' and it makes me sad. The difference between the current green-eyed monster and the 6 year old green-eyed monster is that I actually think I had that for a couple of years. Sometimes I think that makes it even harder. I HAD what I thought was care and warmth from DT and it felt 'genuine'...and I messed it all up. I was bad and I didn't deserve it - and that's why.
I used to go away in my mind, sometimes, well, a lot - I still do- and when I was 6 I used to pretend in my mind that I had the Sunshine Family...and I named the little girl, Rachel, and the baby Jason. And Rachel and Jason were loved by their parents and their parents never ever hurt them. And so many times I would sit in DT's office and just stare at the dollhouse on the floor...the 5 year old begging me to let her play with those dolls...but I never did. Why didn't I deserve a stupid blue dollhouse with flowered wallpaper and a canopy bed? I wanted a dollhouse too.