Monday, October 19, 2009

I am the 6 year old "green-eyed monster"

I was 6 years old the first time I remember feeling envy.  I had a new friend and she invited me over to play at her house after school.  She had this amazing family...They were like that barbie family from the 70's ~ "The Sunshine Family".  My friend had loving parents and even a little brother...just like the sunshine family.  She had her own room complete with a canopy bed!  I always wanted a canopy bed.  She took me into their den to show me a doll house that her dad was making was beautiful!  I looked in awe at this blue house complete with a porch and real shutters!  There were even shingles on the roof that her dad glued on one by one!  Inside the doll house was tiny little doll furniture...the whole house was decorated - there was wallpaper on the walls with tiny little flowers on it.  The little girl's room in the dollhouse had a GD canopy bed!  Her DOLLS lived in a better house than I did!  My friend's DOLLS had a "home" and they were not even real! 

I was green with envy...and I was sad because I knew that my 'family' was not normal.  And I knew then that I would never have a canopy bed, or a dollhouse...I knew that I would never feel safe or loved.  And it wasn't fair!  How come I would never have any of those things?  What did I do wrong that I didn't get to have a family like that?  Why? 

I feel that way now.  I read about the support and genuine care that some feel on their 'healing journey' and it makes me sad.  The difference between the current green-eyed monster and the 6 year old green-eyed monster is that I actually think I had that  for a couple of years.  Sometimes I think that makes it even harder.  I HAD what I thought was care and warmth from DT and it felt 'genuine'...and I messed it all up.  I was bad and I didn't deserve it - and that's why. 

I used to go away in my mind, sometimes, well, a lot - I still do- and when I was 6 I used to pretend in my mind that I had the Sunshine Family...and I named the little girl, Rachel, and the baby Jason. And Rachel and Jason were loved by their parents and their parents never ever hurt them.  And so many times I would sit in DT's office and just stare at the dollhouse on the floor...the 5 year old begging me to let her play with those dolls...but I never did.  Why didn't I deserve a stupid blue dollhouse with  flowered wallpaper and a canopy bed?  I wanted a dollhouse too. 

I cannot do this by myself.  I can't.
I am so flipping sad tonight!  Like "Cry Me a River" kind of sad! 
And my GD bucket is full of tears!


  1. You did, do, deserve a doll house. You didn't do anything to cause yourself not to get one. I enjoyed your "There's a hole in my bucket" so much that I asked my T last night if he'd heard it. He said he had and with that song, one must remember the initial problem, the real problem. In your case, the real problem was not you.

    I had a friend just like yours. My friend was born late, so by the time we were friends in middle school, all her siblings were grown and gone. She had everything. But it was the consideration, love, and interaction of her family that I coveted the most. I actually took on her parent's advice to her, as my own. They shaped the way I became as an adult, their values became mine. Otherwise, I might be a serial killer, I don't know. I think all of us who are abused tend to live vicariously thru others, it's how we survive when it's our family who abuses us.

    Hang in there, we are all here for you.

  2. Ivory, I can't take the credit for the song...came from my friend above you. All that talk about buckets...and I think your "T" is right on. No matter what the "suggestions" it always comes back to the original problem what was never repaired or worked through.
    I have an envious streak in me right's that darn child again! Wanting what she knows she will never have.
    (can I sigh again? :-)
    Thank you for being here...

  3. When I was three I had a stuffed tiger. I loved the tiger so much. I carried it with me everywhere. It was my protector at night and my constant companion during the day.

    I even have a picture of myself holding my tiger.

    I carried it in the car on the way to my grandmother's house - but I got car sick...

    My grandmother put it in the washer. I remember standing there, on tip-toe, trying to see into the washer when she opened it. I wanted her to pull my tiger out, all clean and new. Then I saw her face. I knew it was bad. I never saw my tiger again.

    Last year, when I was really struggling, I went to toys R us. I have been to that store a hundred times, to buy things for my children. This time, I bought myself a stuffed tiger. It looks very much like the one I used to have. When I have a hard time, I sleep with the tiger. It sits on my bed at night. My husband has accepted it. He smiled at first, but now he just accepts.

    Grace - you are an adult now. You deserve all the things you never had. Why don't you get or make yourself a doll house? Put one together yourself or find one that looks right and get it. It's okay to play. It's good to let that little one have what she wants. You are the adult in her life, now.

    Love her...