Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I can 'hear' her words ~ but I cannot 'feel' them or believe them ~ they're just *words*

I miss her and even still last week, after every evil, horrible, scary, disgusting thing I’ve said to her, she still told me she “believes” in me. And I “hear” what she says, but I can’t “feel” it. I feel only the bad…and I remember only the bad…because I know that I am bad. And I don’t believe her because I can’t “FEEL” it.

I can’t FEEL anything. And I need her to go away now because I cannot allow myself to trust her the way I once did because her life changed and I interpreted and still internalize her changes as her abandoning me. And it hurt and it still makes me so angry and afraid to trust her again.

And the things she does know about me ~ tip of the iceberg ~ and all the overwhelming feelings and thoughts and memories that I cannot control at night~ I cannot even express the depth of despair I suffer when I see it all over again, and feel it all over again…because I cannot talk about it. I cannot speak or write about it because it is shameful and horrible and I know that she can’t handle it. But it never goes away. It never goes away. It won’t stay in a bucket or a container but it is all me. It buries me in darkness and takes away my breath.

And I don’t believe that she can care about someone that has done all that I’ve done. No one can. And that is why I never talked about any of it before. Not until her. And I shouldn’t have showed her the badness. She is overwhelmed by my presence and it’s too much.

Sadly, I really do care about her....I care about her more than I care about myself.  And that’s why I don’t want to overwhelm her, or hurt her anymore. I wish I didn’t exist at all! I wish he would have killed me because it would be better than feeling like this and hurting other people with MY shit!

I am exhausted and broken and fucked up right now!  And there's nothing that's going to help me tonight.  I am in the way deepest pit of hell tonight. 

I'm closing comments for this post...please don't take offense...
I really appreicate all the support you *all* give to me, my dear blog friends, but I'm not really deserving of any support right now. 

I'll be back when I can find my way out
Till then...