Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Should I throw my front teeth in the BUCKET too?

Most of the time it's really the psychological effects of being fucked as a kid that I tend to have trouble with...but there are also the physical symptoms that tend to make themselves known which can then make the craziness inside my head worse. I find it difficult to deal with the constant hip/pelvic pain...cramps that are not related to Aunt Flo's visit...and headaches and the constant nausea - UTIs no matter how much water you drink. Most days I can 'manage' the physical pain. By the term 'manage' I mean trying to do what I can to make it tolerable - not bucket slinging. But breathing, stretching, taking hot baths, motrin...that kind of thing. And most days the things I feel physically are not outwardly noticeable by the people around me (unless you REALLY know what I suffer with, and frankly, most people do not - nor will they...ever). BUT! There are times when things will be noticable and then I get self-conscious about them which, for me, as I am still the president of the "I care what people think" club, makes things worse.

As a kid I had recurrent UTI/kidney infections for years. Then, much like the "doctors" now, the doctors chose only to focus on the problem presenting itself, rather than looking for the *cause* of the recurrent kidney infections (treat the symptoms, not the problem) and I was given high doses of antibiotics over and over again...for years. The antibiotics would cure the kidney infection - but the real problem (a child's body is not really meant to be fucked) never went away, so the kidney infections would come back, and then more can see the cycle of how that played out...

Those of you who were treated with high doses of antibiotics as a kid know that when your teeth become discolored from the drugs, you cannot just 'bleach' them white again. So when earned enough money I got veneers on my 4 front teeth.

In the past year, I have chipped the same veneer 3x...most recently this morning, with a tooth brush! Each time I have the veneer repaired my dentist says to me, "Grace, you know I can 'patch' it, but there's no guarantee since it isn't bonded to a tooth now. Eventually, you will have to have them replaced." The first time he fixed it it lasted a year. Second time...a month. So now I have to go back AGAIN to get my tooth fixed. Each time he fixes my tooth I pay out of pocket, and now I have to pay a fortune to have my veneers replactd ~ and 3 more trips to the dentist which is horribly triggering for me. Pass the benzos!

I was wondering of the Marsha-POD-Therapists would prefer that I throw my chipped tooth in the bucket since it's causing me anxiety, cutting my upper lip (is that considered self-injury?), making me self-conscious so I want to retreat, and physically causing me pain...any or all of which might "amp" up and then I'll be the borderline emotionally disregulated adult acting like a defiant child who feels a sense of entitlement to be heard!

And that would not be good, since really, no one wants to hear about the LIFE LONG side effects of being FUCKED when you are 5 years old ~ physical, psychological, emotional, and not talk about any of it ~ it all has it's appropriate bucket).

THEN: If we treat the kidney infection and alleviate those "symptoms" we do not have to face what the real problem is - she's a 5 year old being fucked - because that is not something we, the physician's can *deal with*.

PLAN OF TREATMENT: frequent doses of high MG antibiotics.

LONG TERM EFFECT: fucked up teeth

NOW: If we have her 'contain' her feelings, and not talk about them, and we can drug her up so she can no longer feel anything at all...then we have managed the "symptoms"...but if we actually try to *hear* and help her work through the disgusting, revolting, unspeakable filth of her past, then we, the "doctors" will be traumatized by HER past and we cannot have that.

PLAN OF TREATMENT: Shut up & Behave ~ Shut up & Drug UP!

LONG TERM EFFECT: retraumatized by being told to shut up by someone she was supposed to trust. Feelings of aloneness and badness reinstalled into frontal lobe. Trust no longer possible.

Yeah - well it SUCKS! All of it! But no worries ~ I'll just throw all of it in the "IT SUCKS" bucket!

Now i have to go stand in line for a GD TOOTH BUCKET!

(HA! My mouth is a 'potty-mouth' ~ my teeth are made of porcelain!)

1 comment:

  1. OMG!! We really, really are twins!! The same thing happened to me. I have veneers, too. And I got them put on because of the long term use of antibiotics as a kid!! Only I don't remember being sick. Which makes sense since I barely remember being a kid. My mother says it was pneumonia. I don't believe her. She lies about everything.

    (Can you get porcelains? They last really long and don't chip very easily.)