Sunday, October 11, 2009

Dear Friend, let's not waste our whole lives trying to get back what was taken away...

Okay, well you heard it first in your head, and I heard it first in mine...but at least now we know we are not freakishly alone in our thoughts and we have that going for us...which is nice....

My friend said to me, "Grace, when I KNOW what I need. It makes things so much easier."

And I replied, "But they all need different things."

We both agreed that sometimes we just need validation, we need to know that "The Therapists" hear what we say, can TAKE what we say, and STILL care. We need to know that they are still there. Even a 2 line email, or a rock left on an office porch...just to know you're there Ts. And if that doesn't happen, we start to protect whatever means possible, rational or irrational....And we wonder how we can tell someone our shame and pain when we feel like they don't even care.


I wish I knew...but what I do know, my friend, in my current state of alcohol and drug free clarity, is this: You can tell your trusted therapist whatever you want to tell him. But what you cannot do is tell him how to react to that. I know your therapist cares deeply about you, I do, and deep inside of myself I think DT cares about me. The problem that arises for us is that in addition to the shame and pain and inability to trust that became a part of us so many years ago, we also gained the ability of super human strength, an intellectual force to be reckoned with, which is great, except of course when you combine that intellect with the stubbornness and survival instinct we have and then you had better stand back with a fire extinguisher because the result could be a fireball of fear and rage. We have both worked with our therapists long enough that they know this, but I also know that it has to tire them out. I have my doubts that the majority of their clients will put them through the triathlon of: proving trustworthiness, tirelessly challenging their clinical perspective, both hating and loving them...over and over and over again. I suspect it might be like a high maintenance child with ADHD, only in an adult body and with a highly developed, well above average IQ. I'm sure it's tiring, exhausting. Good grief ~ it would be tiring for me too.

But they do care, my dear friend, believe me. They care deeply or they would no longer be here.

And I don't know how this will end. But I suspect whichever road we choose to take, we will continue to have moments when we feel sad and unheard, uncared for, pissed off, frustrated and full of hate. But I also believe we have moments of 'triumph' and we will have moments when we will feel cared for and safe and heard.

There will be times when you will receive that two line email that oozes care and love, and you will feel renewed and well nourished. There will be days when you will be filled with hate, and days you will be filled with love...and others when you will be 'okay'. There will continue to be good days and bad days.

And for awhile, I'm afraid there will be a hell of a lot of rain and a tiny bit of sunshine.

For what it's worth, inside my heart, I do believe he cares deeply about you, just as I believe Dt cares deeply about me. I know how much you love him and need him because I know how much I love and need DT. And I know how much it hurts.

I am not your therapist, and you are not DT. I know that. But I'm here...I get you, I know you and I care...and I'm here.

And sometimes, as hard as it is....let's not waste our whole lives trying to get back what was taken away... the rain of time does not wash away the scenes of the crime, for us it never ends. I know that. Stay strong. We can do this. Together, we can do this.

I believe in us, dear friend. And I believe they do hard as that is to accept some (most?) days.


  1. {{{{{{{{Grace}}}}}}}}

    Nice to have a friend like you. Better than nice. I think it might be a once in a lifetime thing.

  2. (((LYNN)))
    I'm not going anywhere....and I'm already married with kids - so you know i'm not gonna dump you for a man :-)

  3. And I won't tell you to 'store' things because they disturb my rosy world view. Not necessary for me to do that as I live in the real world instead of on a mountain top with Julie Andrews.