Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The truth is...I don't know what happened...and it scares me

I previously wrote that I had a bad weekend and I called the the therapist on Sunday night.  I remember talking to her.  I remember asking her about an appointment.  I remember the comment about entitlement. I was sitting in the laundry room when we were talking.  The call did not end 'well' - she told me to go and listen to a recording..and basically that she had to go (not in a rude way - a matter of fact, kind of way).  I think I may have hung up on her.  

I don't remember what happened after that, I had NOT been drinking or taking extra meds, but I left her 2 more voicemails after that call.  I don't know what I said, maybe nothing, obviously did not threaten to hurt myself since the feelings  police did not show up on my doorstep.  I recently got in the habit of checking not only my sent file in email, but also my phone records since she told me last summer I left a SUI voicemail. 

When I woke up on Monday morning, my arm was bruised and swollen and hurt like hell.  There was no blood.   I went to work, it got worse, and as it turns out, I fractured my wrist.  I don't know what happened.
I don't know how it happened.  I told people I fell.

I have dissociated before, in fact, I prefer to be 'gone' at night.  Things have happened that I do not remember.  There have also been times when I will have 'snippets' of things that I have done (although those times typically involve alcohol).  Many, many, many times there have been emails that were way out there in crazy land - but that has decreased significantly.  Small messes to clean up...

I don't know what happened.  Maybe I did fall. That's really the only logical explanation, right?


  1. You could have fallen. For me, I think some of my clumsiness has a lot to do with dissociation. Once I tried to change out some lighting fixtures like that and the next thing I knew it was raining glass.

  2. thanks Lynn...I was afraid to write this because I feel a bit crazy but at this same time I don't want to feel so alone and so scared... ya know?

  3. You probably fell in 1 of your moments of what I call "checking out" or "checked out"
    I know that Ive been doing that for the last 8 months. I suspect it was longer but that is hwat a friend told me they noticed several times. Sometimes I dont remember a thing and other times, like you, I remember bits and pieces. So....no you are not crazy and you are not alone.

  4. You can only move forward from today. Wondering about the past, regrets about the past, anger about the past and fears about the future won't help anything.

    You are here, now. What can you do today to make your life a little better?

    I hope your wrist heals quickly. I'm sure it's a pain to deal with that at work and in general.

  5. Sapphire, thanks...I think I might be crazy but I'm still glad I'm not alone