Thursday, October 15, 2009

Perhaps DH would like me to complete a "diary card" too?

I haven't been feeling well ~ In "general". The Therapist would ask me to be "specific" if I said that to her and I would say that I have caught the crud from DS. Not a good time to be sick in my business world so since Tuesday I have been working as much as I "can" more at home than in the office.

Unfortunately I still cannot sleep which makes things worse and last night I found myself scared and sick and huddled in my laundry room wrapped in a blanket sobbing for a couple of hours. I don't feel well and I don't have the energy to take care of myself. So I fake it to get through...I used to be an expert at it but have not practiced the skill for awhile so I am now a bit rusty. I'm sure I'll be back in full force fake mode soon...
I haven't eaten since Monday and DH who never notices anything appears to have noticed this. Our conversation yesterday evening went something like this:
DH: Grace, what did you have for lunch today?
Grace: Nothing
DH: What did you eat for dinner?
Grace: Nothing - I'm not hungry.
DH: So basically you haven't eaten today.
Grace goes into defense mode: "Are we seriously going to go there?"
DH: Where? (DH is now standing in the kitchen eating Halloween candy - that was not purchased for him)
Grace: The 'eating' arena. I dont' need a nutritional lecture from you of all people
DH dropped the subject and retired to the man cave...probably to watch an episode of "man vs food"
Grace retired to the bathroom to cry.

Perhaps DH would like me to complete a "Diary Card" as well? Well, sorry - never going to happen. The defiant one is here now dealing with the food even more determined not to eat because of the DH conversation.

Grace, Why do you feel the need to be defiant and defensive if someone is "concerned"?
Because if I tell the "truth" ~ about how I am really feeling, about how much I am struggling right now? If I say, out loud, that I sometimes want to hurt myself so bad I have to put my head down until it passes... then they will just tell me to shut up, or write it on a diary card, or take more medication...and I don't find that to be helpful at all.
So I will struggle inside and fake Grace will present outside.


  1. Fuck diary cards. I know you care about yourself and you'll eat when you can.

  2. I KNOW! Diary cards are so flippin' stupid! Just like "no harm/SUI" contracts".