Wednesday, October 7, 2009

I'm gonna wash those sui/SI thoughts/actions right outta my hair....

Do you ever have one of those moments when you're expressing something that seems important to you ~ and the person you are speaking too clearly didn't 'get' the *message* you were trying to convey? Like, clearly ~the message is not gettin' through no matter what you say?

I had one of those moments this afternoon.

I was trying to communicate to DT exactly where I was, and have been, for the past 5 days. I said, "I could not even leave the house, DT. Look at my hair. I haven't washed my hair in 5 days - see how greasy it is?"

(I know - gross huh? But "Grace's reality" right now - and you all know I don't sugar coat things or place a bow on it so it'll look *pretty*)

Clearly, she did not pick up what the message I was laying down because she replied, "Is that what you need me to help you with right now?"

WHAT? Washing my hair? Seriously, I just told you I had been thinking about killing myself every day for at least the past couple of weeks, I had SI'd - taken too many meds, partaken in my fair share of alcoholic fun, lived in fear that PAG would kill me - and you think I need your help washing my hair?

Why? So my blonde hair will be nice and clean when people come to look at me in a casket?
I've already told you I'm going to be cremated.


Don't you think so too, Gracie?

Yes, I do!

DT ~ Bring over a bottle of Herbal Essence and let's get started! I was thinking about killing myself because of all the flashbacks - the body memories - the nightmares and intrusive thoughts...but then I realized that was really all because my HAIR WAS DIRTY!

"I'm going to wash those SUI, SI thoughts (and actions) right out of my hair...."

Sometimes you just have to say...WTF?


  1. Oh yes, Grace. We MUST wash our hair. The ugliness belongs 'stored' away on the inside, not on the outside where it might disturb others.

    I really relate to what you are going through right now. I really do. I've been hurting and scared and just wish to find some more ways to help the INSIDE. When I'm having trouble on the inside, it is so hard to care about the outside. And sometimes it just hurts too fucking much. I wish we were neighbors, Grace. We could have a sleepover complete with popcorn and movies and know that no one would be threatened, chastised, or told to get their shit together if they started crying or freaking out. We would know that someone who would never betray them was right there the whole time with heartfelt loyalty and total understanding for what they are enduring.

  2. And, at our sleepover, no one would offer up an orange to be 'mindfully peeled' by a little girl while she's being fucked.

  3. if you can spare Rambo tonight, my dear friend, or at least an hour or two - I could borrow him to help me feel safe enough to fall asleep?
    That's the hard part sometimes...just to feel safe enough to close your eyes and fall asleep -
    I trade you PAG for Rambo for a couple hours?