I think I need a break from everything...I just don't think there is help for any of this right now.
Deep inside of me there is this yearning- this deep sadness.
And I have once again withdrawn inside myself. I feel confused....like the person I went to for help can't help me either. And she *knows* more about the real ME than anyone.
Hopeless! I hate the holidays as much as my parents hated me!
I'm overtaken by hurt, and pain. And I am now sinking into the darkness-the bad place.
Inside my soul is this realm of darkness, the endless horror, the familiar hopelessness.
I hate this f'ing house! Perhaps its because its the house where the hus fucked my **friend**.
I hate this body! Perhaps it's because this is the body the SF fucked - and made his whore.
Tonight I hate all of Grace!
No hope for Grace....just smile and pretend everything is okay. I don't think I'll go back to therapy.
What's the effing point - it's all a big facade...she pretends she cares and pretends to listen and I pretend I'm not the most fucked up woman on the face of the earth!
We all know none of that is true! The jig is up! I fold...and walk away...find a new fucked up client you can 'pretend' to care about! Because as we know..."in the face of expected abandonment -don't you dare reach out - make another choice!"
I will, DT, don't worry...I will...no body cares...whatever! Final cours~ I am FINISHED!
OH, I'm making a different choice, DT, thanks for the advice!
Oh Grace I care. If I could I would kick your hubby's behind.
ReplyDeleteTyler
I'm sorry to hear that with your therapist, you pretend. It's no wonder you feel as if she pretends to care - she's caring for something that you are pretending to be. Don't pretend, let her help the real you, be the real you when you go to see her. I feel bad for you that you are feeling so hopeless and I wish there were something I could do to help you.
ReplyDeleteThanks Tyler, Sometimes I think I'm 'ok' with what happened and then it hits me again, like a brick....
ReplyDeleteIvory, There are too many parts that are afraid to be real with the therapist right now. Because of what happened when we were. it's too scary right now. Too big of a risk right now. We cant do it right now. Maybe someday....
Don't feel bad, Ivory, you do help not only me, but so many others...