Wednesday, November 4, 2009

It hurts...and the pain is real

It hurts....and the pain is real. I try to ignore it, push it away, pretend I've 'outgrown' it...that it doesn't matter because I don't need a mother and I never did.  And I can do it...push it away because my mother lives 1200 miles away and I have not seen her in nearly 2 years. 

But then I receive a text message from my sister-in-law telling me that she is selling my grandmother's house and is there someone she and my brother should call to pick up the medical equipment still there (how should i know?)  My 95 year old grandmother is in the nursing home.  And suddenly my SIL's text message sent me back into the pain of the little girl who wanted...NEEDED a mother. 

And that little girl is screaming at me tonight.  Crying because she just wanted to be wanted, she only wanted to matter and to belong to someone.  She wanted a mother to guide her and teach her and comfort her and fill that deep gaping chasm inside of her that will never be fullfilled.

But none of that ever happened, and it will never happen now.  I can't place a want ad for a nurturing mother.  And that seems to only confirm my distorted thoughts that I will never be good enough.  And I need to find a way to be okay with that - to accept that those years are long gone and those needs that the little girl's mother never met will never be met.  And GD that sucks and I still can't accept it.  I want to know WHY I wasn't good enough for her and WHY this is my past.  And I am angry at that little girl!

I'm tired of not feeling good enough, and I'm tired of the voices in my head who tell me that, and I'm tired of being my own worst enemy.  Somehow I have to figure out a way to grieve that which I never had?  Something I never will have?  And how do you have an ache and miss something you never had?  I surely don't know.

But I cannot put it on the therapist and email her and ask her how to comfort the little girl.  I should have internalized all of that by now, and I put to much pressure on her to be here for me emotionally so I won't call her or email her now.  I won't allow myself to feel the level of connectedness I once did because I hurt myself and that hurt her.  And that wasn't fair to her.

And just like that, from a text message from my SIL, I fall into the darkness of the bad place...I'd reach out - but in the a of expected abandonment...I choose not too...it's easier and not nearly as painful.  As much as I feel like I need and want to reach out to the therapist tonight...as overwhelmed as I feel with that little girl's sadness and crying...I need to figure it out on my own. 

I need to leave dear therapist in the bucket right now and figure it out.  And I need to throw the host body in a bucket too...but how?  I wonder...

6 comments:

  1. It seems to me that your mother was the one who was not good enough. Mine wasn't good enough, either. She was and is a dumb and disgusting bitch. I wonder if there is some way to get the truth to filter down to the little girls so they know they're not the real rejects in all of this. I don't know how.

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  2. I just played the vid. Ouch.
    {{{{{{{{Grace}}}}}}}}

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  3. ((((((((((((GRACE))))))))))))
    I know it's not much but I am sending you buckets and buckets of hugs and much love.
    I can relate, and I know it hurts, boy do I know it hurts.
    Be safe.
    xx

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  4. I don't know your history with your therapist, but you should be able to talk to her about these feelings, otherwise how can she help you? I know that sometimes I feel too needy and attached to my therapist also, but I know that I have to be able to trust her and share what is going on in my mixed up mind. It sounds like you like to try to deal with things on your own, but to recover, we need to ask for and accept help.
    Wishing you the best. I'm really enjoying reading your blog. We have lots in commomn!
    Take care:)

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  5. ((((((((Grace)))))))) You ARE good enough. You always were. Some people--like my parents--just have no business ever having children.

    It probably sounds crazy, but for me, I just started at the beginning. I got a doll with brown eyes (my eye color). Boy was it hard to find a brown-eyed doll! Anyway, I hold this doll and pretend I am mothering my...self! I rock her in the rocking chair and I sing lullabies to her. As I've gone on with this, I've gotten children's books and I read them out loud, I've gotten coloring books. I've gotten colorful sprinkles to put on whipped cream on my coffee or chocolate milk.

    Since I was never attached to my mother and never mothered, this stuff goes a long way to finally help all my parts feel mothered and loved...and good enough. Might be worth a try!

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  6. Lynn, if you figure out how to do that...please let me know!!!!

    Zan, yeah...someone to hold you till the hurt subsides some at night - that's always what I wish for....

    Angel, Thank you - I have had some 'issues' with the the TR lately...namely there is a strong part of me right now that will not allow us to have any connection with her out of fear of abandonment...I don't know what to do with that!

    Marj, Last year my 7 year old daughter and I went to build-a-bear- and we both made a bear. I bought clothes for my bear and even named her! I put a recordng in her hand of DT's voice and I sleep with the bear.
    Funny story: a couple of weeks ago, my daughter sent me a text after school on my son's phone that said, "Mom, this is "DD" - can PinkiePie (her bear) wear what LB (my bear) is wearing?" How many 38 year old women get a text like that from their 7 year old daughters? LOL...

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