The silence began when he hurt me. When he raped me it was done in the quiet darkness. In the darkness if that small room where I bled silently on the sesame street sheets, in the room where the darkness turned fear into horror, the quiet began.
That silence has never worn off, it merely fades and morphs into other silences. That's why I can't go back there. To the darkness, to the silence. The last time I went back the darkness grew into this abyss and I could not escape. I felt constant fear, small voices screaming in my mind, my mind disconnecting itself from my body again and again. The smell of stale cigarettes and bleach overwhelmed me to the point of not being able to breathe. That's why I can't go back there.
I gave that hurt, that pain to the therapist 2 years ago. And she felt it- the pain of a child. But then the silence came back. And with it came all the pain and shame and fear and sadness. I have tried to take back the hurt I gave the therapist and the only way I can free her, release her from my pain is to pull away.
But she still doesn't leave. Why?
I think she sees something in you that is worth working for...
ReplyDeleteLet her hold it for you, Grace. It was never yours to hold in the first place. Maybe she will help you put it down, bury it, walk away.
(((Grace))))
love
I wish I knew the answers, but I guess you do know that I understand the questions all too well.
ReplyDeleteFeel your sorrow...
ReplyDeleteShen, I try to give it to her, and then I take it back. Most days it's still too difficult for me to even acknowledge, let alone think someone else can actually see it with me and not think the worst of me. I hope you're right, though - that she can help me....I sure hope you're right.
ReplyDeleteLynn, Yeah, I'm not really sure there are answers...but the questions still remain, as you know....
Exhale,
I wish you didn't know but I know you do...I've been reading.