I cried all the way home from work. I kept repeating to myself, “It’s going to be okay…it’s going to be okay…you’re going to be okay…” But is it? Is everything going to be “okay”? I no longer hear that voice inside of me telling me I can do this~ that I have to keep fighting because I am worth it. I don’t know where she went but I have not been able to find her.
It’s been a really long time since I’ve felt this disconnected from, well, everything. Everything…it’s lonely…it’s scary how alone one can feel in a room full of people. It’s chilling how I can watch myself from outside my body as someone else ‘lives’ inside of it. Someone I am not connected too, someone I don’t know.
Tonight, as I was brushing my teeth, I looked at my face in the mirror. I leaned forward, as if to touch the reflection there ~ and I looked deeply into her eyes and I felt nothing. I was not connected to those eyes, or to that face…those eyes were empty and hollow. I did not feel empathy or compassion for her, that face, those eyes in the mirror…I felt anger and hate for her failure to feel alive, for her incapability to feel any kind of connection to anyone or anything.
I spit toothpaste right in her face! That daft woman in the mirror! I hate her right now! For everything she has been through, for all the pain she has made me feel. I am not her! Not right now.
I rarely inhibit her body now. I can’t. I am doing the best I can… I am doing the best I can right now. I do not have to be here right now. I can’t. Not now…not right now.
I don't remember the last time I have felt this disconnected from everything.
I am struggling. I am afraid. I am lost.
I desperately need help right now but I am afraid to ask for help, or even accept help if it is offered...I don't know how. I can't reach out because...yeah, all I hear: in those moments of tempting the face of expected rejection/abandonment...make a different choice.....I can't face anymore *rejection* or *abandonment* ~ not right now.
I want to crawl inside of myself and just feel nothing.
And I am sorry ~ I am so sorry.....
If you start to get too lost, grab your special navigational device. You've already heard about the incredible storms it weathered. Maybe it can point the way through this one, too. It's a nice reminder when it's hard to remember anything good. Grace, don't forget - Just because you can't see the sun right now doesn't mean it's not there anymore.
ReplyDeleteFeel for you Grace...can totally relate, when I go though a dark period I always tell myself tomorrow will be better. Sending you warm thoughts.
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