What bothers me is I have forgotten how to remove the mask....
Yesterday when I met with the therapist, I thanked her for not forgetting to email me as she said she would (3x/week). I guess that's part of the whole "consistency" thing - I get that it would have been difficult for her to forget, previously, since I would email her at least once a day - but I can't know. She didn't tell me I can't email her - but I just can't. But she still hasn't forgotten - I guess she has a reminder set in her calendar that pops up: "WARNING WARNING - Don't forget to email Grace! She will self destruct in 3-2-1..." (Petulant child!)
I told her I can't email her because she's in the bucket - she didn't even act like that was the strangest thing she had even heard that day. But I really miss emailing her...it feels like this big communication gap that was once filled with words and thoughts is now just...empty. In email I could tell her things... in writing... that I could not speak about - or at least not bring up, in session. For example, yesterday I desperately wanted to talk about last Friday incident with the hus...and also the fact that the word NO has suddenly disappeared from my vocabulary. And lots of other stuff....
And when I was emailing her then she would know *where I was* (so to speak) and could respond based on that. I don't know...It made me feel connected in a way - and now I don't feel that. Yesterday, when I walked into her office it didn't feel like I was walking into "dear therapist's" office. the woman who I've worked with for nearly 4 years... It felt like i was walking into someone's office I don't know, someone I don't feel comfortable with or trust...
And that mask that I wear - the one that hides all my true feelings and emotions...IRL, the one I used to be able to take off when she and I emailed or met at her office. Well, I can't remove that mask now - anywhere but "here" out in anon blogland...
The wall that was slowly torn down, brick by painful brick, over the course of the past 3 1/2 years...has been rebuilt - with steel reinforcements, protecting the vulnerable Grace, the fearful Grace, the sad and lonely Grace. It's a beautiful wall...and it does it's job well; but the "Graces" behind that wall....they are the "Grace" behind the mask. The mask DT and I worked so hard to remove....it's back now, more stubborn than ever.
***SIGH*** I don't know what to do now. I am terribly lonely and scared at night now. And I don't know how to change it. Because I'm behind that wall too...and I don't know how to climb over it, or under it...I don't know how to even begin tearing it down again, or if it's even possible. But I do know that I cannot continue to struggle night after night (especially nights like last night when I am screaming and crying and rocking) I can't do it much longer without the ability or trust to reach out to someone who is supposed to help me.
And *THIS* right now - 'this' isn't working for me....and I have to find something that will....
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