I was perusing my blog friends latest posts and I read this post: ZAN
I have to admit the first time I read it I ran off screaming in a rage of flashback hell...but then I came back and read it again, and was able to digest it. And as I did, I was amazed at the truth and honesty that Zan shared - and if I could, I would rip that badge of courage right away from the Cowardly Lion and give it to Zan because her honest words and bravery in sharing her painful experiences is something I still struggle with. Like, STRUGGLE! Talk about sex in the therapist's office, no way! Not without a pillow in front of my face!
I will leave the self-injury part for another post - and jump straight to the sex part (before I chicken out). I cannot have sex sober or be present - unfortunately for DH that is a problem right now. I've tried on more than one occasion and I end up a crying mess. Which could eventually become a problem of great proportion - when he finally gets tired of surfing porn on the internet and jacking off in the bathroom (yes, I have seen the web surfing history - and I have a very keen olfactory sense so I speak the truth - TMI - YES, but the truth shall set you free! - and embarrass the hell out of the hus should he find out I just divulged his secret).
Anyway, since the evil step-father made me his whore when I was 5 - I never really made the connection between sex and love and I have no freakin' clue what the word 'intimacy' means - from an internal perspective. Drunk - I am the life of the party and sex is great. Sober- it's really just a traumatic trip into hell. Drunk - I turn into the sex maniac whore I've been for over 30 years - there is nothing I have not done and believe me, one would never know I actually attended a pentecostal church! I have used sex as a way to control men and I have seduced men just because I can. But not sober.
I have used sex as a way to get what I want...
THEN: Be a good little girl - fuck your father and you can have that barbie you wanted.
NOW: I'll let you tie me up if you let me buy that bookshelf we looked at.
A friend recently asked me if I had ever had a *male* therapist. In the past, yes, but never for more than a few sessions...I don't really trust men, nor do I trust myself in certain situations...I told her no way would I see a male therapist - I'd probably just end up fucking him.
Yeah, I got "VOLUMES" of issues...
Sex? What's that? Oh... you mean the thing that happens at my house once every few months after lots of booze? Oh. That. Ew.
ReplyDelete"I told her no way would I see a male therapist - I'd probably just end up fucking him." That's why he has to be a boy scout (or gay). Even if I thought I might be inclined to try some fucked up thing like that, my ego would never allow me to try it somewhere where I would be turned down flat. So boy scouts and gay men are good. The trouble is you will first have to teach the boy scout the truth about buckets. They usually come with buckets.
You're in rare form tonight, my friend.
ReplyDeleteSee, that's why I trusted the dear therapist, she's cute but I'm not gay - (not that there's anything wrong with that...)
"NOW: I'll let you tie me up if you let me buy that bookshelf we looked at." I can relate. "I'll give you a blowjob if you..." Wow. I can't remember any of the things I used to offer it up for. Either they were that unimportant, or... Yeah, that D word.
ReplyDeleteI'm not really interested in a blow job- but thanks for the offer ;-)
ReplyDeleteAnd I do know for sure that I am not gay - but that's another post for another day...and for obvious reasons a drunk post...
Shhh - do not say the "D" word! You may awaken the flying nun!
Yeah, it's a great bookshelf too!
I'm glad it's at least a great bookshelf. I can't even remember what I got for the BJs.
ReplyDeleteI feel cheated.
((((((((((((GRACE))))))))))))))
ReplyDeleteYou ARE brave!
I am so sorry you've had to go through so much in your life.
I thought struck me, could you print this off and hand to your therapist?
I was planning on doing that with my post, except my therapist is out sick at the moment and not sure when she'll be back. By then I was planning on having a whole stack of blog posts to show her. She actually even has the link to my blog although doubt very much she reads it at all.
I refuse to see male therapists as well. I met one and uh yeah umm heh.
you should be proud of yourself for writing this.
Sending buckets of hugs!!
xx
Hey Zan,
ReplyDeleteNOT way - I wish I could print it off and give it to the therapist - however, that would require my willingness and ability to talk about sex in front of her - and that's still a roadblock for me for some reason. I feel like I can write it here - because "you" and "others" understand because you share similiar experiences...I don't know if I can share it with her - nope...not now.